011019: screw the padded room

Tuesday was a not great day, to put it lightly.

I had very little sleep and the sleep I had gotten was incredibly broken. At one point, I left the bed and went to try the couch. I ended up curled up and passed out around probably 1 or 2. I stopped looking at the clock after I made my last post.

A meeting with my supervisor had been put on my schedule and I wasn’t exactly sure why. It ended up being, well, not great – to put it lightly. The meeting involved me bawling my eyes out and verbally vomiting about how I felt alone, like a failure, no one tells me I’m doing a good job, like I was being boxed out and unimportant. My CS’s behavior & responses really didn’t do much to negate those feelings either. I was met with a somewhat cold and callous, “Well, I don’t like that you feel that way. You shouldn’t feel that way. I’m not sure what to do, but you need to think about what I said and get it together because you need to get back to work.” Then left the room.

I sat and bawled for another minute or so. She was right – I have a job to do and I can’t let this effect what needs to get done, despite how shitty that was. I walked back in my department – with big red, puffy, swollen eyes, stuffy nose, and a look of sheer defeat. One of my co-workers immediately said, “Can I give you a hug?” I said, “I’ll probably start crying again, so if you’re okay with that, I’m okay with that.” She wrapped her arms around me and said, “Whatever it is will pass. I’ll pray for you.” I thanked her and walked out in to the gym with my computer and sat on the floor by my client. Next thing I know, I’m feeling a warm embrace from behind. It lasted a few seconds, then she let go – another co-worker. I thanked her and just tried to focus on my work. While I was sitting there another 3 people said things like “hey, are you okay? anything I can do for you? Do you need anything?” I thanked them and said no, not right now.

I got a brief 20 minute lunch break because one of my meetings got pushed back, which wasn’t a whole lot of time to recover but at least it was some minute sort of reprieve. I got through the rest of the day, clearly dehydrated and worn down. But I made it. At the end of the day, I was packing up and another co-worker asked if she could give me a hug to which I replied with the same response from earlier. Before I even got done talking, she already had me in a tight squeeze and tears were streaming down my face. She said, “Melinda, whatever it is, it will pass. You’re doing a great job.” I said, “really?” and broke down sobbing. Like, ugly sobbing. Another co-worker came in and asked, “Is she okay?” The one said, “Melinda doesn’t think she’s doing a good job.” The other said, “Oh my god, you need to shut up. You’re doing an AMAZING job!” and came in for a group hug. The three of us stayed and talked for a little bit, which meant so much more than I can say. Later on that night, I got a few text messages from more staff with words of encouragement.

I suppose that breakdown was exactly what I needed to see – I really wasn’t alone and I absolutely do have their support. Everything happens for a reason, right?

I came home completed fatigued. I had half a glass of wine and almost fell asleep while I was eating. Handsome husband helped make sure I fell asleep and you know what? I did. I slept. Granted Wednesday morning was still a little rough goings, but I figured it couldn’t be any worse than Tuesday PLUS I was only in clinic half the day. Wednesday went much better, even though I was still a little battered from the day before.

Today, I knew my schedule was incredibly light so it was nice to relax and have some breathing room. I wanted to talk with my CS to follow up from our conversation (with the intent of having a better working relationship) but it didn’t happen and I’m glad. Later in the afternoon, I was called in to a meeting regarding scheduling things. It was FULL of good news and a LOT of changes. That meeting really made me feel like – Well, I guess she really did hear some of the things I said on Tuesday. Everything happens for a reason.

Tuesday was incredibly difficult, though. It was extremely reminiscent of a few years back. I’m glad this had a tremendously different outcome. I’m still tired, but not really sleeping well for over a week will do that to a person.

I’ve been charting my days by color. A friend shared the idea and I thought it would be an interesting exercise. Each day is color coded by emotion. There aren’t many days but there’s a whole lot of blue (depressed/sad). It’ll be interesting to see how the year goes on and what it looks like when it’s done. Hopefully, it won’t be just a solid blue page.

I’ve been reading more, too. So that’s super neat. I joined the Book of the Month Club. I’ve only read one book so far (An Anonymous Girl – Hendricks & Pekkanen) and I really enjoyed it. It started off a little slow, but it definitely gained some momentum. I wasn’t quite able to figure out what was going to happen and that’s what I enjoy most about a story. This month I’m reading The Night Tiger – Choo. I’m 5 chapters in and I feel like I already know what’s going to happen. That’s just no fun for me; I really hope I’m wrong. I will say, though, that even though I’m fairly certain I know how this novel will go, I’m enjoying the historical aspect of it. I feel like I’m learning a lot about a culture that I’m incredibly unfamiliar with, so thumbs up on that.

I have a stack of books to get through this month. It’s my goal to get through them. I also need to start doing yoga every day to get my body moving more. With the exhaustion, I haven’t had much motivation to do anything. BUT, I need to start doing it whether I feel like it or not.

Anywho, that’s about all I got for now. I hope you all are doing well.

OH. LIES. I had Girl Child’s IEP yesterday! Now, I need to preface this with: the IEP was previously scheduled. I had gotten a call from her school one day asking if I was planning on being present. When I asked when the meeting was supposed to start, the receptionist said “It started 20 minutes ago.” I told her the meeting needed to cease immediately and be rescheduled; I never received ANY notice about her IEP. After that I communicated with the principal who was trying to “assure” me that the notices had gone out and the date was communicated to me. To which I informed her that I have two children with disabilities and I have not missed an IEP or domain meeting in a decade and I wasn’t about to start now. Suffice to say – the meeting was rescheduled.

I had asked for a draft of the goals. When I reviewed them, the goals were exactly the same as the previous year. WELLLLL. Let me tell YOU about how not pleased I was…. I was not. I kindly and diplomatically spoke with her teacher about the goals and asked him to generate new ones. Fast forward to the meeting. In short, it went fantastically. Everyone’s goals were appropriate and super fitting.

When I talked to my coworkers this morning, one goes, “I would be terrified to be in an IEP with you. You know everything, from every angle.” I laughed and told her no one is terrified to be an IEP with me, but it does hold them accountable. I’m very diplomatic about things. I don’t threaten or anything like that. I’m an advocate, not an adversary. I need these people to be on my team for my kid. We all need to get along and be on the same page in order for her to succeed. If we do that, we’re cool. It also helps to have kids that people really like.

Another asked if I get stressed about IEPs. I told her absolutely not. This was the 16th (17th?) one I’ve attended for my kids ALONE. I used to teach in a coop and therapeutic day school PLUS I do parent advocacy. I’ve probably been to well over 50 IEPS at this point (and that’s probably aiming WAY low). IEPs are meetings, but it helps to know the ropes. Again, it’s all about being an advocate, not an adversary.

Okay, I think I’m for real done this time. I’m jonesin’ for a hot shower (cause I’m colder than a polar bear’s toenails here) and reading time.

I hope you’re doing well.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

010719: sleep is for the weak

I can’t sleep. For about the past week I haven’t been able to sleep.

I lay in bed. I zone out playing a game, feel tired, turn everything off and just lay there. Awake. I try doing various breathing & meditation exercises I know. They get me to a point where I’m about to drift off and my brain goes, “That’s cute, but we’re not done here.”

I’m tired. My body needs to rest, but it’s having difficulty accomplishing that.

I have been turning things over and over and over in my head. I still can’t shake that feeling of being alone and failing.

Tomorrow is department meeting day. I literally have 5 hour long meetings in my 10 hour day. 6 meetings, if you want to count the 1:1 supervision I do. And no lunch. Lunch is going to be consumed throughout the various meetings.

On Friday, I sat with my CEO. I’m working towards learning about OBM (Organizational Behavior Management) and one of the things I’m doing is a project utilizing my current work place. We sat, brainstormed and came up with a few great ideas. After we discussed my project, he picked my brain about things. It was very unexpected, but incredibly appreciated. I sent him a message later thanking him for the conversation and that it made me feel valued.

I guess that’s an issue. Not only do I feel alone, boxed out, and like I’m drowning – but I feel like I am beginning to not matter.

I am on the verge of walking in tomorrow and being like I can’t do this, I’m sorry. It’s the same scenario almost exactly two years later. It’d be nice to have people to talk to.

I had my follow up appointment with my rheumatologist. Things are going well on that front, except for my insurance deciding they didn’t want to cover another prescription. We’ll see how that goes. With this more under control, I need to get some other things back in line.

The only night I’ve really slept is Saturday night. I had a wine & onesies get together. It was lovely. We sat around telling stories, playing games, eating snackies – it was a good time. I was relaxed and happy and I slept.

Who knows.

I picked up some more books today. My goal is to read 50 books by the end of the year. I think that’s attainable. I’ve never set a goal like that, so I don’t know if I’m really under or over on that estimate. I guess I’ll know as time goes on. I’m already 4 books down and we’re only 1 week in to the year. So, there’s that.

I was hoping by writing this it would get some things off of my brain, so it can just relax and not stew any more.

I’m trying not to think about work stuff. I mean, really, there isn’t any thing I can do about any of it until I’m AT work. So it’s wasted time and energy. I also need to stop projecting what I *think* may happen and just roll with what *does* happen.

I really wish I could just work part time. I wish I could just work during the day while the kids are school and come home. Or like work 3 days a week – tuesday, thursday, friday. Maybe. We can’t really afford for me to do that right now. I’ll deal. Or have another meltdown. Either way, there’s a solution.

I thought I could handle the position and stress, but maybe I really can’t. I thought I was doing fine. Maybe this is just a hiccup in the road. I don’t know. What I do know is – if something doesn’t change, I’m pretty sure I know how this is going to end and I *really* don’t want that to be the case.

Anyway.

I’m going to read or do something and hopefully fall asleep.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

010319: return of the jedi

Well, maybe not jedi, but I’m working on a return to blogging. I haven’t been writing as much as I used to and I can tell it’s really taking a toll on me. I absolutely need this outlet. I need this to get things off my chest and out of my brain. Granted, I haven’t necessarily missed being “unplugged”, so to speak, but I do miss spilling my proverbial guts for anonymous interweb-trotters to mop up and/or commiserate with.

I’ve been really busy with work over the past handful of months. I was promoted and it was an incredible undertaking. My work means a lot to me. I always put myself in to what I do 100+%. I was so looking forward to just being a BCBA, but life has other plans for me. I don’t think I’m allowed to “just be” anything. Running a growing department has been a welcome challenge, for the most part. It’s lonely, though. I’m a big believer that you can either be someone’s friend or you can be their boss, but you can’t really be both. When you’re both you run in to a lot of, “but I thought we were cool, man” type stuff. By keeping myself somewhat separated, I can more readily be objective and fair. But, again, it’s lonely.

I don’t really have anyone else to talk to while I’m at work. There are a few other leads, but they don’t seem to understand or really have a vested interest in what I do or what the department does. They feel they are jilted, in some sense, but don’t spend much time with us or ask many questions… even though I’m happy to talk with any of them at any time, hang out in their office, and spend time with them – the connection hasn’t been formulated quite yet. I don’t know that they understand the big picture, either. I’m not saying they’re bad people or anything, because they’re not. Everyone who works at the clinic is fantastic – they’re super knowledgeable and work extremely hard at what they do. But, for whatever reason, I don’t feel that they recognize my department has just about the same number of employees as the other three disciplines combined… and we keep growing. I am only one person and I’m on my own little island.

The only person I really have to talk to is my clinic supervisor… but the other disciplines see it as I’m favored (which, trust me, I am NOT). So I pulled back on venting and collaborating with my CS and I’m just floating along by my self.

I haven’t been in a good head space lately. I’ve been feeling like a failure – as a BCBA for the kids I serve and the team of RBTs who work with them, as a boss to the entire department, as an employee on the leadership team. I know, mentally, that’s not the truth and I have to convince myself of that. I don’t necessarily have the data or objective proof of the contrary but I have to believe it’s not true.

I’ve been feeling like an ok wife and mom. I miss being with my kids and feel like I’m not present enough for them. Last night, I couldn’t sleep – mostly because my brain wouldn’t stop and partially because of snoring husband. Even though he was three inches from me, the kids were both asleep in their beds, and the dogs were in their crates, I felt very alone. Thoughts were going through my head that I am just not comfortable with. I woke up tired and in pain. I must have slept very oddly, my neck was in a tremendous amount of pain – almost to the point of vomiting. I wasn’t nice to my husband this morning (which I apologized for later).

I came in to work and have just been minding my business and going about my day. One staff asked if I was okay – I looked sad. I told her I was and that I would be fine. It was nice of her to ask. I wasn’t about to launch in to everything in the middle of the gym and tell her how frustrated I was, how lonely I feel, how I was up half the night fighting off suicidal thoughts, how I feel like I’m failing everyone and I want to eat my lunch.

I had an extra day off yesterday because I didn’t have a sitter for my kids. I took them both on a little adventure. I was so conflicted about it. The whole time I thought about how different this type of event went a few years ago. Both kids have come so far, but have so far to go and I wish I had more time and could do more with them… but can’t. I guess that’s a mother’s plight, though. Never feeling like you did or do enough.

Anyway, it’s back to the grind to finish out the day.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.