Day 88: brain purge

Okay. I have not done a great job of blogging over the past week and I can tell things are starting to get to me. Maybe it’s that I haven’t blogged or it may be that my husband has been gone since Thursday morning so I don’t have the person to purge to… or at least receive comfort and love from.

Work has been going well overall. Just, for whatever reason, the end of this week has been filled with some doozies… and not even spaced out doozies, either. Rather, it’s been concurrent, endless doozies. Even my boss said of one: that was painful to watch.

Don’t get me wrong: I absolutely love what I do and the mental drain I have come across this week is not even remotely close to the same spectrum as my previous positions. I am beyond grateful for that. At the end of the day, though, it’s still draining. It was nice to come out of certain situations to have positive support from my co-workers: you got this! We’re almost to the end of the day! You’re just too sweet to deal with some of these people.

I am not going to lie: it feels SO FUCKING GOOD to hear others genuinely thinking well of me. After being in places where I was thought of so…. terribly, it is amazing. I can just be my self. I can be positive and uplifting and everyone’s cheerleader. It feels so good, right, and natural. It was so difficult to work in a place where people thought so negatively of me.

People really thought I was awful. People were skeptical and negative. No matter what I did, it was always seen negatively and/or not good enough. I would bring my staff donuts every now and again, I would make and bring in lunch for them at least once a month, I would make fun little pick me up things, I would listen to them as they would confide in me about their lives but… somehow, I was still the enemy.

I don’t think it wasn’t until the very end that reality sunk in.

Oh well, too late now. I still wish them well. I’m just no the kind of person to NOT wish people well…

I mean, like, oh hey you sexually abused me? I hope things are going well.

Oh, hey, you threatened to commit suicide because we broke up and I walked in on you with a gun in your hand? I hope things are going well.

Oh, hey, you called me a fucking whore, then beautiful, then told me you couldn’t live without me, and then broke up with me, drove past my house every day texting “who’s car is in the driveway? I just bought a gun”? I hope things are going well.

Oh, hey, you tried to get me fired by sending my pole dance videos to my then boss? I hope you’re doing well.

Oh, hey, you say you care about what’s happening in my life then proceed to talk about yourself for 95% of every conversation we have? I hope you’re doing well.

I could go on and on and on, but I won’t. I genuinely do wish people well. Whatever someone has done to me – whatever it may have been – I hope they are well. Of course I hope they get things figured out so they can  move forward in a positive direction so they don’t hurt any one else, that’s what’s important. I can’t wish ill on anyone. Well. Maybe one. Nah, even then – it’s just not in my heart to carry around hate.

Anyway.

I was really concerned about not being on meds. As it turns out, things are going fine. Working a job that you love which brings happiness makes a HUGE difference in your mental status and stress level. Plus, having an amazing spouse helps out too.

I had a really lovely conversation with someone last night. A few conversations, actually. I felt, for the first time in a LONG time, that I was in a good, valid place to provide insight and guidance to others. I felt like I have grown so much as a person over the past few years.

I used to think, “I’m an independent woman – I don’t need to rely on any one. I got this. I can handle my shit on my own.” I believed that. And I was. Maybe I HAD to in order to survive day to day. I didn’t think I needed or wanted anyone to lean/depend on…. Now that I do and he’s been gone for four days, I feel like I’m missing my glue. In a good/okay way.

I’ve grown to a point where I can be vulnerable with another person; where I can depend and rely on another person; where I know I’m supported by another person who understands me and is able to guide me through my tough times. When he’s not around, for days, with all kinds of doozies to deal with, it’s really gone to show how strong and meaningful our relationship is….. and how, really, there is no other person I would rather spend my life with.

I haven’t missed someone so much in….. years.

It’s felt really awesome to say “my husband.” It’s flowed so easily, naturally, and readily in conversation…. like it’s been that way forever. With my first marriage, I didn’t have that. I didn’t feel that way… buuuuutttt that’s a can full of worms that is entitled to it’s own series of blog posts lol maybe someday.

Swinging back around, I’m glad I’m off meds though. The only thing is I’ve gone back to is having some trouble sleeping. We give Doods Melatonin gummies to assist her with sleeping at night. It’s made a HUGE difference and I highly recommend it for any one who as a child that doesn’t believe in sleep. Seeing what it does for her, I’m really tempted to try that myself. It’s supplying what my body is naturally deprived of, what can it hurt, you know?

I haven’t been sketching in my sketch book lately. In a way that’s okay because I get to draw almost all day at work which is super dope. Designing cakes is pretty great, guys. Seriously. So good. Then seeing the sketch brought to life by the decorators is DOUBLE dope. Then seeing the looks on people’s faces when they see their unique, personal creation is TRIPLE dope. Relaying that joy back to the decorators is (wait for it) QUADRUPLE dope. It’s a giant circle of dope joy up in that biz. ; ) I like it.

All right, I think I’ve written enough for today. Time to veg out with some bad tv and pass out (I hope).

I hope you’re all doing well and taking positive steps in your lives, whatever they may be. Even if that’s choosing to NOT do something – that’s still a positive.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am most certainly glad that YOU exist, mystery friend.

 

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Day 86: i married the hot dog man

For those of you who don’t already know, Kevin and I got married on May 24th. It was a absolutely lovely experience. He and I had planned it for a couple of weeks and kept isecret from, well, pretty much everybody. It was just us, the rings, and the court. It was perfect. The judge was absolutely lovely, kind, and genuinely happy to marry us. It made the experience all the more blissful.

It’s wonderful to go through the day knowing: I’m married! I’m married to one of the best people on the planet. I married the friggin’ hot dog man.

Yes, the hot dog man. Now, for the newcomers: Kevin notoriously dresses up as a hot dog at festivals, family gatherings, friend gatherings, any excuse for him to wear this ratty hot dog suit – he will wear it. This past Halloween we went as Janet and “Dr. Frankenfurter” from Rocky Horror:

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Er, wait, that was two Halloweens ago. I can tell because of my hair ; ) Anyway, everyone knows Kevin as the hot dog guy. And I married him. Good for me.

I mean that genuinely. One of his most wonderful characteristics is that he ALWAYS makes me laugh. He’s one of the funniest people I know, it’s pretty great.

Anywho, he is off and away at Summer Camp while I’m working this weekend. It’s lovely to wake up to messages saying “Good morning, my beautiful wife.” Gives me that giddy, happy feeling in my chest. He’s the best ; )

There’s more to update on and I haven’t been doing a great job of writing. I’m okay with this. It means I’ve been spending more time off-line living life – which is how it SHOULD be. Shut off, power down, enjoy life beyond the screen. It’s so much better.

I hope you’re all doing well.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 80: guilt & moving forward

Yesterday morning, I had my 30 day review. It was the most productive review I have ever had in my working career. We went over strengths, weaknesses, and set five legitimate goals for the next 60 days. I walked away feeling really great about my place, my job and my future. I can see a legitimate, positive pathway in my career and it’s so comforting. There’s no guesswork, ifs, maybes, hypotheticals – none of the fog, all of the road.

This morning we had a quarterly company huddle to go over progress, goals, and updates. On my drive in, I started to think of my old job. A curtain of guilt came over me. I miss some of my previous co-workers and adults and I don’t feel guilty about leaving them… I felt guilty because I really like my job.

I was really good at my old job. Nay, I was fucking great at my last job. I need to stop selling myself short. I had the knowledge, skills, and abilities. I improved the program and made a whole hell of a lot of positive changes in not a lot of time with not a lot of support. I put my whole heart in to that program and did some great things. But I couldn’t stay there. Leaving was the best thing I could have done at the time.

Well, clearly it was one of the best things I could have done because it is was led me to my current job.

I wake up excited. I wake up ready. I can’t wait to see what creations come out of the kitchen, take pictures and share the amazing things we do. I enjoy who I work with – they’re all wonderful people. Genuinely. It’s still unbelievable that I get PAID to do what I do every day. It’s astounding.

Today as I was taking pictures of cakes, there was a family eating lunch. I walked out with the next model for their photo opp and the gentleman says, “Looks like you’ve got a pretty great job!” I said, “I do! I have the BEST job!” And I mean it.

I’ve always thought that work should be hard. You should do what you’re good at. But you know, there’s no reason that you can’t genuinely enjoy what you do. Waking up happy and excited for the day is a real thing, guys. I didn’t really think that was a real thing. You know the whole: enjoy what you do you do and you won’t work a day in your life, thing? True story.

I *thought* that’s what I was doing before but, boy howdy, was I wrong. I freaking love my work. It’s so fun. There is not an icicles’ chance in hell that I would go back to what I was doing. I can see myself doing part time BCBA work alongside this, but not full time like I was doing. No thanks. That ship sailed after my first few days on the new job. I couldn’t be happier about it.

I’m selling my stage pole tomorrow and using the money to replace the broken elliptical we tossed last year. I’m going to take down my pole, too. That ship has also sailed. I feel pretty okay about it. Pole was such a huge part of my life for so many years. I learned and accomplished a great many things during that time. However, like with other things, it’s time to move forward. And that’s not a bad thing. Just like with the work situation: moving on is TOTALLY okay.

I will always be a part of the pole/aerial community in some fashion. I have gained so many wonderful friendships through that community and experience that I could never fully leave. My time with pole has come to a close for now. Maybe I’ll get back in to it in the future but, right now? Right now I am basically starting over with my physical health and I need to go about it the right way. I know I’ll have everyone’s support and that is much more important than continuing to force performances.

I feel good about the positive steps I have been taking in my life. I love my job. I am getting a new elliptical. I’ll be getting married to my best friend and biggest supporter soon. I withdrew from consideration of the doctoral program. I am focusing on bettering my self and my family.

That’s pretty fucking great, man. I feel so good writing all of that. That’s some grade A, number 1, awesome shit right there.

I hope everything is going well for you guys. I really do.

You know, someone noticed my l;fe tattoo on my arm today. She said, “I really like that tattoo on your arm. Is it for something in particular?” I had said well it’s for the semi colon project, have you heard of it? She said, nodding, “Yeah, I do.” I said, oh awesome! Well it’s for me and those who suffer like me – to know you’re not alone. She nodded and said, “Yeah, I understand. My sister.” I looked at her knowingly and said, “I understand, you’re not alone.” She genuinely smiled and said thanks.

I love the lives I come in contact with at the bakery. People from all kinds of situations. You truly never know the impact you may have on someone just with treating them kindly. I try to make sure everyone has a positive experience when I work with them. I like to believe I succeed 99% of the time.

Anyway, I’ll have to catch you guys up on my orange week experience tomorrow! It went really well ; )

Thanks for stopping by!

I am glad YOU exist.

 

Day 78: thank you for being a friend

When I was 14, my parents separated and, subsequently, got divorced. My Dad is extremely allergic to animal dander so the only pets we had growing up were fish. He would always say, “If I’m ever not in this house, you can get whatever pet you want.” When that time came, he got me a kitten… who was almost immediately taken over by my Mom. Turbo, as he was originally called, became Berlioz (after the Aristocats) and from that moment on – he became my Mom’s companion.

He became a companion to everyone else in the house as time came and the family grew. He was always protective of me and became a companion to my son as well. He always seemed to know when someone was sad and needed some comfort because he would come in to your proximity and maybe, just maybe, he would let you hold him while you cried.

As he got older, he began having issues with his thyroid. It was manageable with medications for quite some bit of time until recently… he had a very sharp decline. It became apparent: his liver was shutting down. He wasn’t the fun, active, playful, dick of a cat any more. He was a bony, sallow, sad feline who was starting to tell us – I think I’m ready to go.

This morning, we helped Ber go to sleep so that he could be at peace. No more hurt, no more pain – just peaceful sleep.

It’s sad. He was alive for just under 18 and a half years, which is like an eternity in cat years. He lived as long as almost an adult human. That’s a long freaking time. He survived me in high school, college, two kids, a cat, a husband, a few boyfriends, an almost husband, another cat, and a dog. God bless that cat. You could see it on his face every time a new entity joined the household. He would look at me like, “Really, bitch?” Yes, cat, really. While the displeasure would be on his face, he would adjust and be just fine and begrudgingly enjoying every moment, I’m sure.

When he was a kitten, he used to climb up my leg and back and perch on my shoulder as I would walk around the house. As an adult, he would go RIGHT where you were going – you couldn’t miss him. He would also knock things over on purpose. He was totally that cat: “Oh, you don’t want me drinking out of your water cup? That’s nice” Then tip it over so NO ONE has water to drink and run away.

Like I said – he was kind of a dick. But he was funny that way and I wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

I still haven’t cried and that’s because I haven’t really had time to process it yet… even though I watched him go to forever sleep.

He didn’t have any fear in his eyes. You could tell he knew. He still hated the vet and the vet tech and made sure they damn well knew his feelings before he went. But there was no fear. You could tell he was ready.

I know I’m going to miss him.

It sounds so trite but he really was a good cat. We will be very fortunate to have half as good of a cat in the future. He is truly irreplaceable.

Berlioz

Rest well, my furry friend.

Of course, as is the case with everything in my life, as soon as he gets put down I receive a phone call from my daughter’s school that she’s sick and needs to get picked up right away. Life goes on.

From there, I had to go to work. Life goes on.

I came home, grabbed an adult beverage and sat outside with a very active puppy. Came inside, ate dinner, and decided I needed to write and catch up on my blog. Life goes on.

Nothing else that has transpired over the past few days really seems of any importance right now. I know I’ll have things to catch everyone up on soon. My heart just isn’t in it at the moment, which I’m sure is understandable.

I’m going to let myself be sad for tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. I have my 30 day review in the morning and a full day of work after that, followed by more shenanigans over the weekend.

I hope you all are doing well. Give some extra love to your furry friends tonight.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 75: celebrations

Hello interwebs friends!

I hope you’re all doing well!

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I worked all day and it was super duper slow. It provided a lot time to bond with my workmates which was fun. We jammed out to some 70s, 80s and early 00s music, shared some wine, and had a great work day. Afterwards, Kevin and I went to the grocery store and waited for the minions to get home from their dad’s house. Kevin gave me my Mother’s Day present: public butt touches and Legos! Always a winning combination!

I’m super excited to build this set. It’s an Architecture set. I haven’t tried one of them yet. It’s 400 some odd itty bity tiny pieces. I’m super stoked to get real angry, then super excited when it’s complete. I’ll be sure to post the progress of that.

Last night after the kids came home, Cayden come up to me and said, “Mom! I have something for you!” And handed me this:

Mothers Day 2017

This kid.

#BME = #bestmotherever

He’s so funny sometimes. On his mother’s day card, he wished Kevin and I happiness as we get married. He thanked me for supporting Autism Awareness. He made up silly words so that his poem could rhyme. He made me tear up and laugh. He really is a good kid.

Today is that goofball’s birthday.

Cayden 2017

He’s 11 years old. Oh boy. Eleven years old.

The other day I went to put my chin on his head and I had to lift my head UP to rest it on his head. My mind was blown. He’s growing in to a little man. Ughhhh.

He was born the day after Mother’s Day in 2006. So here we are, 11 years later, with almost the exact day situation. Weird, right?

I was so angry on that Mother’s Day. His Nana had told me that I “wasn’t a Mother until the baby was born” so I didn’t get anything that mother’s day in 2006. I was so angry at that sentiment. Being pregnant wasn’t easy for me – I was super sick and in the hospital because I was so sick. Although he wasn’t born at that point, he was created and I was taking care of him – that counts as being a Mother.

Being a mother is a truly life changing experience. I really don’t know what my life would be like without my kids. I’m not quite certain I would still be here, to be honest. I couldn’t ever bring myself to take away my kids’ mom. That’s probably one of the worst and most selfish things. They haven’t done anything to deserve that, so they help me to keep moving forward and to keep pushing through.

They’re good kids.

I took myself shopping for Mother’s Day today. I needed summer clothes since the meds have caused me to gain even more weight. In a way, the meds dwindling away isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’ll give me the opportunity to lose some of the weight. PLUS we are going to get a new elliptical this weekend so I can do that again. My hope is to replace what meds are doing naturally with eating and exercise. I can do this. I’ve done it before and damnit, I’ll do it again. I’m on the right track and I know it.

I’ll get there.

I really do appreciate everyone’s support. This truly has been an amazing and humbling experience. In the dark times, as I’m struggling, people’s messages and comments continue to blow me away. The level of support and kindness is…. is amazing. I really do feel like people are pulling for me, rooting for me to succeed. I need to do this not just for me, but for all of you who believe in me.

I don’t want to let anyone down. Especially myself.

Baby steps.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

SOS: Peach Cobbler Overnight Oats

As we enter Orange week, I opted to make Peach Cobbler Overnight Oats. I had the first jar today and OH. MY. FREAKING. GEE. DELICIOUS!

Peach Cobbler

So what’s in these bad boys?

1/2 c. oats

1/2 c. vanilla almond milk

1/3 can peaches (no syrup)

1 tbsp. walnuts

approx. 1/2. tbsp. brown sugar

some ground ginger & cinnamon

1/3 c. honey peach greek yogurt

Holy nuts, guys. Seriously – this tastes JUST like Peach Cobbler! It’s so super good! And filling! I hope you enjoy it!

Day 73: last night I cried

And by cried, I mean: the moment my head hit the pillow I bawled. I bawled until I couldn’t breathe. I let out tears of sadness, frustration and anxiety.

I woke up yesterday with a pounding headache. The kind I used to wake up with every. single. day. The kind that makes your thinking foggy and emotions difficult. Yesterday was a struggle. A struggle like I haven’t felt in about 71 days.

One of my meds ran out and I’m starting to feel the effects of being unbalanced.

Last night I cried because I was scared. I knew I was going to have to deal with this again until I can get insurance through Kevin’s new job. I take three meds. One of them cost $50 to refill, another $200 to refill, the other $300 to refill. The middle one has run out and I’m slowly approaching an empty bottle for the last one.

It’s scary – going backwards. I cried because I didn’t know how I lived that way for so long. It had been one day and I was in shambles. I woke up with another headache today, wore my glasses and no make up. It’s like my drive and ambition got sucked away over the course of 24 hours because my brain has to work so fucking hard to regulate.

It’s painful.

I cried because I’m frustrated about my weight and my body. Nothing fits. I keep gaining weight BECAUSE of my meds but I can barely survive WITHOUT my meds. I can’t see the doctor because it costs too much to go see her without insurance. Kevin is about to take a job that pays significantly less but has insurance. I worry about being able to make it. About being able to reach our goal of getting a new house with even more of a financial strain.

I cried because I hurt. Every where. In every way.

I wanted to crawl in to bed as soon as I got home. I wanted to forget about everything and all the hurt.

I didn’t. I made myself get the mail (my Mother’s Day present came) and go get Kevin’s wedding band.

I still want to go to sleep.

Last night as I cried, Kevin comforted me. He said we will find a way to pay for your meds… but I know we can’t. He’ll be making less and it’s just not possible. I talk about getting a second job and he doesn’t. It’s frustrating. I’ve voiced my concerns and they’re legitimate. I just really hope this works out the way we need it to.

We need to get out of the basement. I need sunshine through windows and a backyard to sit in. I’ll settle for a balcony off an apartment.

It’s been two days and I am a mess.

Tomorrow is mother’s day and my kids will be with their Dad. It’s ok. I’ll be at work and we’re doing a double celebration on Monday for boy child’s birthday and Mother’s day.

I want the hurt to go away again. I really hope things work out. I don’t think I’ll handle it well if it doesn’t.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Additional Content: As soon as I posted this, I found a small ant crawling on my finger and freaked out. Another thing that’s been happening since my meds ran out are really fucked up dreams. I dreamt that something laid eggs in my ears, nose and throat. They were large eggs, you could see the pupae (larvae?) inside the eggs as they would fall out of my ears as I tilted my head. I freaked out because I didn’t know what laid eggs inside of me. Kevin suggested taking me to Urgent Care and I said I don’t want to go I don’t have insurance, then more eggs came out and, hysterically crying, I agreed to go. Then the dream switched to something else which lead back to the eggs. In my dream, whatever was living in the wood floor of my work (which has a tile floor and is immaculately clean btw) laid eggs inside my head and they turned out to be Pokémon. I relaxed a little bit then woke up with a pounding headache. The dreams can go away. The fears can go away. The pain can go away. I want to not live in a basement with bugs and mold any more. I don’t know how much more I can handle, friends.

Day 72: adulting

Yesterday I had my interview for a doctoral program.

They had asked if I could come in early and I, of course, said sure! No problem! I ended up sitting there for an hour.

I sat in a small conference room with large windows. I sat and reviewed my ABA terms, then sat and looked out the window. The colors were so vibrant. The grass was full and green, the sky was blue without any clouds to block the warm sun coming through the glass. I sat and looked out the window and thought, “I don’t think I want to do this.”

Outside looked so welcoming and free. I have just gotten my life balanced with work and home. I’m making steps to better my own health. Accepting a spot in this program would mean I’m tethered to a computer for another four years. It would mean putting a house and our dreams on hold….

I have about eight years left of guaranteed Boy Child in the home time. Then he graduates high school. If I spend the next four years of that time, that’s half of that time, tethered to a computer, by the time I’m done he will be in high school and who knows if he will actually WANT me around at that point. I wouldn’t blame him for the resentment.

I looked out the window and thought, “My son is more important. I want the new house and business with my almost husband. I want my family back together. I don’t need or want this.” I was literally about to stand up and walk out when they called my name. They were ready for me now.

At the behest of my wonderful almost husband, I went forward with the interview.

I had the answers for everything. Very honestly, very plainly. I felt empty. I could see the excitement on the committee’s faces while I spoke, but I felt empty. I wanted to be home, working on my business plan. At the end of the interview, one of the committee members stated, “Well, we really hope to see you here in the Fall!” I thanked them and went on my way.

I almost started to cry on my way home. Getting a doctorate is something I have wanted for so long. It’s been a driving force since I was 8 years old. Here is my chance, a real chance to get that and I don’t want it. I felt…. relieved. I felt proud. My family, my health are more important than those few more letters by my name. I want a home, I want my own room for the first time in over a decade, I want to not breath moldy, stale air, I want my family unit back together, I want to get my body back in shape, I want to focus on the business Kevin and I want to build together – I want that.

I can still research on my own. I can still write on my own. I can still develop programming and curriculum on my own. I don’t need a doctoral degree to do those things. I can still speak, present, and teach. In fact, I’ll be speaking at a class in July. I can still be a knowledgeable resource WITHOUT those few letters by name. I already have some anyway.

I feel good about this decision. I’m excited about what the future is going to bring. It’s going to be a LOT of work to get in to a house, but we are determined. I know I’m fully supported in my decision, so that helps a tremendous deal.

I officially withdrew this morning. I feel good. It truly is enough to know: I would have been accepted. I am good enough.

That’s a concept I’m working on: I am good enough. Everything is a process. Baby steps.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 71: catching up

Okay, it’s been a few days. I’ve been a bad blogger. I guess, in a way – that’s  okay. I have been out living my life and being… off line. That’s not a bad thing.

However, my therapist wants me to start documenting how I’m feeling every day via blog… so not posting every day can be a hindrance on my therapeutic process. My goal is to post every day – even if it’s just to say: Today I feel [blank].

Today I feel…. anxious and determined.

I’ve hit some road blocks in trying to workout and get back on the healthy track. Every time I start to exercise, something hurts really badly. And not that “oh you’re just getting back in to exercising” type pain, but movement ceasing, down on the ground, crying type of pain. It’s a slap in the face. It’s a blatant, “Hey asshole, you’re not in your 20s any more, you gotta go about this shit differently if you wanna be successful.” So that’s what I’m doing. Since my body throws up some blocks, I’m ducking and weaving. I’ll get in my jabs.

My physical/exercise goal is to do yoga and/or pilates every night. I am going to keep up with my color weeks for eating. So far I’ve got three days in for exercising. While that’s just beginning, I will go from three days to three weeks to three months etc, etc, etc. It’s like in every aspect of my life: I’m taking baby steps to recovery.

I’m not going to lie: It’s so fucking frustrating.

I have all this drive like “yeah! I got this! I’m gonna do the damned thing! Let’s go! woo!” And here’s always something that pops up and goes, “fuck you! NOPE!” Ugh. That’s okay though. Like I said: duck and weave, get jabs in where you can.

Determination.

Now, anxiety: I have my interview for the doctoral program today.

I’ve mentioned in previous entries that I’m on the fence about this whole thing. I have the interview today and I have my 30 day work review next week. I know my thoughts and I’ll keep you posted on those developments.

Speaking of work, I absolutely love my job. It continues to blow my mind that I get PAID to price edible art all day. It’s astounding. I have a hard time calling the decorators “decorators”, I often refer to them as designers or artists because, really, that’s what they are. The talent in the back is absolutely amazing. I’m in love with what I do and I’m so glad I get to do it.

The other amazing thing is I can be…. me. I can be positive, silly, encouraging. I feel accepted and appreciated. I don’t worry about what they think of me. I don’t have to worry about being set up for failure. I don’t have to worry about any negative perceptions, confidentiality, discipline, people going through my belongings, tables getting flipped, punches thrown, or calling any ambulances. I’m not going to lie: I think I’m slightly traumatized by my previous work experience.

Which reminds me: I have more therapy homework to do. I don’t want to do it. I have to write an impact statement about my previous sexual traumas. I really don’t want to relive all that. I know it’s necessary but I don’t want to. I have just gotten to a point where I am ready to live in the present and get out of the past and here’s that road block “NOPE”.  Duck and weave. Everything is connected.

I also have to write positive affirmations regarding my relationship with Kevin… because of things triggered by the past. UGH. IT DOESN’T END, GUYS. That’s okay though. I’m like the Million Dollar Woman. When this is all said and done? I’ll be better and stronger. That’s the goal, right? Right.

Well that sure was a whole lot of updating. More to come as the days progress. I hope you all are doing well and taking advantage of what life is presenting.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist ❤

DOC: Red Week Salad Jar

As I mentioned before, this week’s challenge is Red. I take a salad jar and fruit for lunch every day at work. In order to stay with this week’s theme, I opted for an easy peasy beet salad!

easy peasy beet salad jar

Aren’t they lovely and colorful? These jars have roasted beets, mandarin oranges, sunflower seeds, feta cheese, avocado, spinach and vinaigrette dressing.

I cut up two beets in to about 1 inch cubes, tossed them in a little EVOO, salt, pepper, and rosemary, then roasted them at 400 for about twenty minutes.

I used one can of mandarin oranges, half a block of feta, spoonful of sunflower seeds, about a third of an avocado and like a tablespoon-ish of dressing (enough to fill the bottom) in each jar.

I’m super excited to eat this as this jar is full of things that I really love to eat: sweet, salty, tangy – om nom nom.

Bon apetit!

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.