Day 151: there be dragons

Hello interwebs friends! I hope everyone is doing well today.

I didn’t have a great night’s sleep last night, so I’m dragging a little bit. I woke up yesterday and felt sad for no immediately apparent reason. My wonderful husband thinks it’s just all the stress from preparing for the BCBA exam and everything. Very possibly.

I’ve been able to go out and spend some time with friends lately, which is nice. Kevin is super understanding and almost kicks me out the door sometimes to go be social. I actually really appreciate it. Otherwise, I would be stuck in my hermit study-like state. This weekend is a big social weekend – we have Kevin’s brother’s wedding (Woo! I still have no idea what I’m going to wear), a pre-birthday float trip (which will include studying in the car), working on my actual birthday, and Great America with the kids on Monday (which will also include studying in the car). I’ve got my last two study group sessions this week on tomorrow and Thursday. Then my lovely groupmates take the exam on either the 7th or 8th, while I’ll have another two weeks before I take the exam on the 21st.

Oof.

I’ve really enjoyed study group. The ladies are so wonderful, positive, passionate and intelligent. I’ll miss seeing them every week, for sure. Hopefully we can still get together once a month or so to catch up and talk shop.

I’ve been spending a lot of time this past week making ABA “Quick Sheets” for our group. We are all super visual people so I’ve been trying to put the information/concepts out there in a visual way that will make it easier to digest and remember. It’s been fun! In a way, it kinda makes me want a Mac. Doing graphic stuff is SO much easier on a Mac than a PC. Thank you, work! ; ) However, I’ve been making do with Google Draw which is a super neat little program to do basic graphic stuff on.

By spending time with my nearest and dearest lately, I’ve been reminded of eevverrryytthiiinngg that’s left to do for the wedding… which I’m not going to really think about until AFTER the exam. Then it’s a really big push to get everything done by party time. However, we have my bachelorette party and the wedding shower I have to think about. Bachelorette Party is the weekend right before the exam (I have to order my cake for this tomorrow) and the Wedding Shower is the week after the exam (gotta make peach cobblah and order some tasty pastries for that one). I have to talk to my super awesome friend about the invitations ’cause those will need to get sent out in September… which means I need to hammer down times and start developing the itinerary.

OY.

Already, the anxiety!

Anyway. Kevin has been super wonderful (as always) over the past week. I hurt my foot somehow and he’s been an absolute doll. When I come home, he knows I need to study and my foot hurts, so he is at the ready to make dinner and hand over some IBU Profen. He’s a wonderful man.

In other news, we went to the park the other day…. the new equipment is really great! The crowd still sucks though. It re-emphasized how ready I am to have a CLEAN backyard. You know, one without broken glass or used condoms or punk ass kids dropping N-bombs in front of small children. That’ll be real swell. Gimme that half acre, a fence and a giant ass trampoline and we are GOOD.

God willing, we will be spending Christmas at the new house. It can’t come soon enough.

Yesterday we went to the zoo and saw the dino exhibit. It was super fun! Girl child was NOT a fan of the T-Rex, though. She also wasn’t a fan of the seagulls when we were checking out the penguins. Boy child, for whatever reason, was SO. FUCKING. OBNOXIOUS. ALL. DAY. As soon as we got there he started asking about lunch. It was 945 am, friends. All morning: What time is it? Is it time for lunch? I think it’s time to eat.

CHILD, I WILL SPARTA KICK YOU IN THE CHEST IF YOU DON’T STOP ASKING ABOUT LUNCH.

We eventually got lunch at, you know, LUNCHTIME and then he changed to: I miss Gamma and Pepper.

BOY CHILD, IT HAS BEEN THREE HOURS. THREEEEEE HHOUUUURRRSSS since we have been home. SWEET MOTHER OF CHRIST.

UUUUUGGGGGHHHH.

Children. They’re lovely. Really. Have eight. You’ll love it.

Honestly, it could have been worse. We have had much much MUCH worse adventures. Comparatively to the past, this would be considered a tremendous success. That may explain why I was so easily irritated yesterday with his behavior. They have both been doing so great on adventures that this one stuck out like a sore thumb.

Today we are back to normal. Girl child’s hanging out in her jammies watching VeggieTales, Boy child’s in his jammies playing legos, and I’m in my jammies typing this entry and studying. Ah, life.

OH! Another thing that happened! A customer said a nice thing about me on our facebook page! Isn’t that neat? That’s so neat. One of my co-workers shared the post in our group and I went AH! I DESIGNED THAT CAKE!…. AH! That’s ME they’re talking about! NEAT!

If I didn’t say it…. I think it’s pretty neat ; 3

Allright, I need to get back to generating quick sheets, studying, and drinking more coffee. Before I go, here’s a picture of us escaping a dragon at the zoo:

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Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 144: when worlds collide

Quite a bit has transpired over the past few days, so I’ll do my best to recollect and share.

Saturday was a really interesting day. Kevin had his non-bachelor shared Bachelor Party with his brother that day, so he and I didn’t do much talking until the next morning when he so wonderfully informed me that he was, indeed, alive and functioning as a human person. Those kinds of messages are always appreciated, particularly when the person in question is out for an evening of maleficence and debauchery…. well earned and deserved maleficence and debauchery, BUT maleficence and debauchery nonetheless.

Saturday was interesting. Work is typically interesting what with some of the characters and interesting orders we have come through the building, but it had a few… moments… that made it a lil’ extra.

As we know, I make some pretty dope cookies and Saturday was a freshly baked delivery day at the bakery. Now, my bosses are pretty fuckin’ cool, let me tell you what. They really are. So I was making my rounds and I had a trade off with another employee – a cookie today for a brownie in his next batch. Pretty solid deal, right? So, I walk past him and put a cookie in front of him and he starts laughing and says, “Thank you!” I said, “you’re welcome! Don’t eat it now, eat it at home.” No sooner than I turned my back, what did he do? Oh, you know he did – he ate that cookie in one fell swoop. Now, I didn’t find out about this till later but apparently, here’s what happened:

He was doing his work and about, oh, twenty minutes after eating it, he says to the pastry chefs, “I don’t feel anything. I don’t think it’s woorrrkkingg.” As soon as the last word came out of his mouth, the fun hit. Soon after, he crouched down behind the fridge, scared our dishwater and proceeded to laugh until tears for the next twenty minutes. Here’s a grown ass man, crouched down in TEARS, laughing at how he just scared the dishwasher. Good. That made my day.

Beyond that, I was sitting at my station working when all of a sudden I hear my name. I turn to look and it’s a lady I used to work with at my old job. She’s an absolutely lovely person and a fantastic advocate; it was wonderful to see her. It’s also pretty neat that our wedding days are literally a day a part ; ) Anywho. We played catch up, found out that even more people left, more people aren’t hired and people are swiftly approaching burn out. It made me sad to hear that, but really glad that I made my choices.

She and I wrapped up our conversation, said our goodbyes and went our merry ways.

A little while later I was hobbling out of the back (because apparently I don’t know how to walk in a park and sprained my toe a few days ago) and I see my new boss and her two daughters hanging out. She’s a super great lady, so it was really nice to see and speak with her for a little while. We talked about the exam, how you have to immerse yourself in the world right before you take it then you can relax and how she believes I will do just fine. Phew. She said I should get myself a cake just for taking the exam, hah! It’s not such a bad idea…

So she and I wrapped up our conversation, said our goodbyes and went our merry ways.

It was getting close to closing time and I was helping a customer when another person walked up to the counter and signed in. After a moment, the lady in waiting said, “Who can I talk to about ordering a cake?” I said that would be me and I’ll be with you in just a moment. As I wrapped up with the customer, she came walking around from behind her, very slowly, with a crinkled-nose “I know you” face…. I looked at her, smiled and said, “I know you.” She said a word and I went, “Yup! I used to work with you at my old job!” Then we proceeded to catch up. She said “I was wondering what happened to you! I was wondering why I hadn’t heard from you in a while!” I told her what had happened and what I’m doing now. She said, “You know, I don’t blame you – I’m looking to get out, myself. You were just so good at what you did – really. You are such a fierce advocate and did so much good for everybody, it’s a shame they didn’t support you enough. But, you know, I KNOW you will be so great in this new position. You will be amazing and help so many people. I’m so happy for you. Hopefully, you’ll be working with some of my guys because then I know they’re in good hands.”

Close the book. Bye.

The amount of unsolicited validation that has come to me since I’ve been at the bakery has been tremendous. I almost can’t handle it. I put so much of my self in to what I did and I know I was so damned good at it. I made things happen for people. GOOD things. NECESSARY things.

I still do and still will but this time? It’s going to be on MY terms. I still have to worry about the bureaucratic bullshit – that just comes with the territory… and living in Illinois. But it’ll be in a different way – a much more manageable way, a significantly less stressful way. I can do that.

On my way home from work, I stopped at Target because I had to get some things. Maybe that was Friday. Friday I stopped at Target to get somethings and as I was walking through, I saw somethings that I absolutely had to get for the ladies in my study group. They have been working so freaking hard this summer and I am beyond proud of how much knowledge they have gained, it has to be celebrated. So I will. I know they read this, so I can’t say what exactly but I’ll tell you after tomorrow ; ))) Let’s just say, the behavior analyst in me lost it’s G-D mind in the middle of Target, by myself.

Anywho.

Saturday night I had dinner with my Mom, which was really nice. We had a FFFAAABBUUULLOOOUSSS waiter. He kept calling us “love bugs” and “boo boo.” I was giggling even without the assistance of cheap sangria coming my way. We had a really nice time, then headed home to a wonderful pup.

We have been leaving Pepper uncrated for longer periods of time and she has been doing FAN-FREAKING-TASTICALLY. We are super proud of her. Ideally, we’d like to not crate her at all while we’re gone for the day. I think we could actually get there.

Sunday was a lovely day, too. I woke up and my toe was throbbing, so I knew we weren’t really going to be friends all day. So I remained hobble-mchobbleston all day. But that’s okay, I worked with some amazing people who were super awesome when it came to closing time. Now, I don’t know about some others, but I love to work and I also like to GTFO at closing time. Sundays are more intense than other closing days because it means a whole lot of cleaning and handling all of the waste products from the week. Usually it means we are there till at LEAST 430/445. Well, guys, let me tell you. With this ballin’ ass team I had on Sunday? We were all packed up and ready to roll by 415. We closed at 4. All I had to do was close the drawers. They knew I was hurtin’ from not knowing how to walk like a normal person, so they took care of everything else. I couldn’t thank them enough.

Teamwork, y’all. When you help others, it comes back to you. Shit, just be NICE to others and it will come back to you. I really do like and appreciate all the people I work with.

Hey, I even got to practice writing on cakes again! It’s been a few years, but a little bit of practice and I’ll be back at it like nothin’ ever happened.

Of course, I can’t forget to talk about the Marble Maze cake. I know I’ve mentioned it at least one other time – but I took this order about a month back for a Marble Maze cake for a boy with Autism. Well, they came to pick up yesterday and it brought the Mom to tears. Which then brought me to tears. I couldn’t be happier that they liked it. I really hope they send us pictures or video of him with his cake. After all the set up, here is Marble Maze cake:

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Pretty fuckin’ cool, right? It actually works, too. We did allllll kinds of test runs with this thing to make sure that by the time it got to him, he would be able to do what he loves best – play marble maze on his birthday. ; )

This is why I love what I do.

Today was just a chill day. I put the finishing touches on my FBA/BIP to submit to the state so I can become an approved provider with my new company and hung out with my kids – cuddles and Lego Marvel Avengers (super excited for the new one to come out!). Now it’s time to make some burgers for dinner so that when my handsome husband comes home, all he has to do is grill ’em up.

I hope ya’ll are doing well!

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 140: on the up and up

Good things happen to those who wait… and work their ass off.

True story.

Remember a few weeks ago when I told you guys that I got hired by an ABA company? That’s still happening. It takes a little while because of paperwork, getting approved by the state, so on and so forth, but the start day is near. I recently got an email with what my pay rate will be and my jaw literally dropped. I will be over doubling my income in half the amount of hours doing what I love.

I will work at the bakery and do ABA and live a comfortable life.

Like… on my drive to pick up the kids after work yesterday, I started to tear up. I thought about the new house, I thought about the updates we need/want to do, I thought about decorating, I thought about vacations! VACATIONS!! We will be able to afford vacations!!! You guys, vacations.

We won’t have to be strapped or paycheck to paycheck. We can breathe. That is so amazing. It’s a position in life that I’ve dreamed about for YEARS. Living modestly and comfortably with the ability to travel and experience life/the world… Oh man. The future is looking pretty good.

Of course, we still need to get the down payment together for November. It’s just nice to know that once we are IN the house, we won’t have to worry about what needs to be done TO the house – that we will be able to take care of it, essentially, without worry.

Yesterday at the bakery was a good day. The day before was pretty great too. I went home sick on Saturday because I had a resurgence of the plague. I was super bummed because I really wanted to see the finished product of this Wheel of Fortune cake.

TIME OUT.

Did I tell you guys about the WOF cake? In short: I was kind of obsessing over this WOF cake. There was something about it that kept calling to me. After a few days of doing some CSI, a decorator said, “You have a sixth sense… that cake? Is for a boy with Autism.”

TIME IN.

Part of my job at the bakery is to take pictures of our cakes, edit and post them on our Flickr. I *love* this part of my job! Anywho, I was super stoked about this WOF cake, but I had to go home and miss it. I was super bummed. I came in on Tuesday and my boss gave me the nicest compliment and said, “By the way, I took a picture of that WOF cake for you – I know you had a thing about it.” I was blown away by her thoughtfulness and kindness. It meant so much.

Yesterday was a really great day, too. I took a cake order about a month ago for birthday cake. Of course, it’s not just ANY birthday cake, it’s a birthday cake for a boy with Autism. This little boy LOVES to do marble mazes – like the Mouse Trap kind. His parents brought in this really neat design that involved wrapping the pieces around the cake and, me being me, I said, “Yeah, we can do that!”

I told the decorator who was assigned the cake, that I would help out with putting the pieces together. So, I grabbed the big ol’ grocery bag of pieces, laid them out on some tables, nabbed the dummy cakes and started at it. As my co-workers would walk by, they would stop and play and put things together which was AWESOME. It turned in to like a whole bakery project. Literally, sales, café, our chef, a pastry chef, decorators – just about everyone got involved in the process. It was so awesome to see everyone get involved in this cake for this boy. I know it will bring him so much joy. We all had fun putting the marble in the top and watching it wind down and around the cake. We *know* it will be wonderful for him ; ) It will wrap around and the marble will land on a cupcake at the very end. I’ll be sure to post a picture or video when it’s done.

I just really love that people voluntarily helped with this cake. I was planning on taking a better part of a day to get it figured out. With everyone’s help? Less than two hours. Teamwork is amazing. And greatly appreciated.

Speaking of teamwork, another awesome thing that happened on Tuesday was at my study group. I surprised my study group with a visit from another classmate (who recently passed the BCBA exam) and one of our professors! It was really great. My surprise classmate knew about the professor, The professor didn’t know about the classmate and my study group didn’t know about either one. Everyone was so happy and excited to see each other, it made my heart smile. We had a really great discussion about study strategies, test strategies, expectations, etc. We decided to double up on sessions over the next few weeks, since the ladies are taking the exam on August 8th. My test day is August 21st. Fingers, toes, eyes, and legs crossed for a passing score for everyone!

Lot of good things so far this week. Hopefully the rest of the week follows suit.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 137: huzzah

Yesterday, Boy Child, Handsome Husband, and I made our yearly trek to the Bristol Renaissance Faire. It was absolutely lovely all day. The weather was about 70, partly cloudy and breezy. Absolutely perfect. On the way home, Hubs and I agreed – if it was any warmer, I would not have made it through the day. We are both super grateful for the weather.

As always we had a super fun time! One our favorite things to do is the RenQuest, which is a live action game you can play throughout the day. You try the different classes (Bard, Rogue, Mage & Warrior) then decide on which one you want to pursue. Each week, you can go back and extend the story, learn more about your class, etc etc. I wish we lived closer so we could go back more often and continue the quest. We are typically only able to go once a year, but the RenQuest gives more purpose and direction to the day. You get to experience things that you otherwise wouldn’t get to. You get to interact with all the players, it’s super neat.

Two years ago, BC tried being a warrior, last year he tried being a mage, this year I think we stumbled upon his calling as a rogue. The Rogue he trained with was so funny and positive, he truly helped it make an enjoyable experience. BC did an awesome job with all his tasks – sword fighting, story telling, “borrowing”, and casting a Confusion spell. He got to assist with the final scene, too. He was charged with making sure the “bad” guys didn’t get away. He took his job VERY seriously.

We were highly entertained all day. ; )

We decided to start a RenFaire jar once we get in the new house. We can collect change all year so we can get super cool stuff at the faire. We are going to start building BC’s costume with the accessory pieces first, since he has some growing to do yet. Kevin says I should be a pirate wench. We don’t know what he is going to be yet, but it’ll be somethin’ good I’m sure. HE should be a bard. That man can weave some tales. Funny tales at that.

This year’s cool crap haul included a drinking horn, a wooden mug, and a wand (guess who got what?). Can’t wait for next year! Hopefully we will get to the RenFaire again this year so we can play another episode of the quest. Time will tell.

In other news, I’m not certain there is other news…. I got my approval letter to take the BCBA exam, I have a really fun surprise for my study group tomorrow, we are still saving for the house, the wedding day is getting closer (ee!), and things are just kinda cruising along. I have to get BC to the doctor for his school physical/dental soon. I can’t believe he is going to be in 6th grade. SIXTH grade. When did that happen? I feel like they were just babies.

One cannot stop the passage of time.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 134: dear 8 pound 6 oz newborn infant Jesus

I officially got my approval to sit for the BCBA exam this morning! A wave of excitement and panic has been surging through my body since I saw the email. I registered and August 21st is test day. Dear sweet golden fleecy baby Jesus, let me pass this exam. Quite a few things are riding on the passage of this exam and I don’t really want to pay another testing fee, hah!

Boy Child is still sleeping off the sickness. Either that or it’s kick-starting the life change of puberty. Speaking of which, that kid had me DYING the other day. He will usually ask if I took any fun cake orders. Well, I told him that someone came in and ordered a cake in the shape of a peep. Not a marshmallow peep but a male person’s peep. He laughed so hard and was like, “OH THAT’S SO GROSS…… It’s not for a kid is it?” I laughed and said, “No, dude, it’s not for a kid.” He breathed a sigh of relief and went, “Oh good, ’cause I was gonna say….. wait. Why would someone want a cake in that shape???!!” The whole process of him thinking it through was hysterical. Then he says something like “Oh, I saw the video in 5th grade and it’s GROSS.” I asked him what he saw in the video. His reply was, “you know, adult stuff.” I said, “well, I *am* an adult so it’s OK for you to talk to me about that kind of stuff.” That’s when the conversation petered out and resumed to watching Frasier.

That kid loves Frasier.

It’s probably the only show that we have watched, sitcom wise, that he really gets. He likes Futurama and sometimes The Office, but he has really gotten in to Frasier. It makes total sense – it’s an intellectual humor show. There’s not much body language to watch or subtle humor or sarcasm – it’s straight dialogue and situational comedy. He GETS it. It’s funny to hear him laugh and see what he finds funny.

He is so super excited about the Ren Faire. Again, funny kid – we were at dinner on Wednesday talking about the Ren Faire. I said hey we need to get you a new wand (last year, he picked one out and it promptly got chewed up by Pepper). He said, “but doesn’t that cost money?” My Mom, Kevin and I were like…. Dude, if we are OFFERING to buy you something, don’t worry about what it costs – just say, “yeah, thank you!” and roll with it. He’s so interesting. He can be overly mindful and cautious, then be the most selfish and jerkish kid on the planet. Ah well.

Then there’s Doods. Eating the breakfast of champions: goldfish and cheese & an ear of corn. God help me. At least she is independent enough to make her own food when she’s hungry. However, she *did* use her tablet to ask Kevin for breakfast this morning, so I’ll take it! Baby steps.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 133: down with the sickness

Well, the great summer plague of 2017 has begun to attack more victims.

The kids were on vacation with their Dad for the past week. When they came back, Boy Child and their Dad said Kaylee had thrown up and was sick for two days of the vacation. All was well and good yesterday until right after bedtime, Boy Child puked. Poor kiddo threw up a second time last night and is completely passed out. Thankfully this only lasts about two days which is great because we have biiiiiiiiiggg plans for the weekend.

This weekend, Husband, Boy Child and I are taking our annual trip….. to the REN FAIRE!!! Super excited. It’s a place where BC can be amongst his own kind.

That’s one of BC’s great qualities: he does not feel bad about who he is or what he likes. There were two kids about his age yesterday that came in to get birthday cakes. They had NO idea what to get and/or were afraid to ask for what they want…. when they finally decided it was very clear that they were picking things that appeased their Moms. The Moms, interestingly, couldn’t understand why their kids had such a hard time picking what they wanted. All I could think of is Boy Child and how when asked what kind of cake he would want, he could give you 8000 ideas – each one weirder than the next. And it’s great. We are proud of him and how he is growing.

I had a surprise for the kids when they came home yesterday. I traded in the old iPad for two tablets. I opted for an iPad Mini for Doods and a Samsung Tab A for Boy Child. I put TouchChat software on it for her and still have some more programming to do. Now they won’t have to wait and share. She has access to it whenever she wants. We used the TouchID so only the few of us have access. Boy Child does NOT have access to Kaylee’s tablet. ; )

Forward progress for the chirrens.

In other news, I taught a class on Tuesday.  I was a guest teacher regarding ABA and Sustainability. I put together a presentation regarding Research Proposals (because anyone in ABA and/or grad school can tell you the importance of how to write a research proposal and/or paper) and my own Sustainability proposal. I walked them through the process and utilized their own real life scenarios. It went really, really well! I felt very comfortable with the vocabulary and questions that were coming at me. I know that if I wasn’t correct, the professor would have chimed in and corrected me…. that didn’t happen.

Afterwards, the class said thank you and it was super helpful. Some said they felt like they learned more last night than they have so far in the whole program. Others said that I should teach collegiate level. And one… well, one said, “Look, I think it’s great if you wanna decorate cakes or whatever because it makes you happy, but you have a real gift that should be shared.”

It’s still sticking with me.

I don’t feel bad about my choices. I’ve had to go through a lot to find a happy balance in my life. I love what I do at the bakery. I love that I’m ok and not great at it. I love that I learn and defer to others and work on a team. I love that I get to draw and create every day for people’s life moments. It’s wonderful and I love it.

I love my weekly study group. Not just because they are a fantastic group of ladies who radiate positivity, but also because I love teaching and assisting. I love seeing that “OH MY GOD, I GET IT NOW” moment. It feels so good to see confidence lifted and progress being made. I’m so proud of these ladies and I wait for the day in October when I get the message saying, “I PASSED THE EXAM!” Because, really, I *know* they will.

It puts a lot of pressure on me to pass the exam myself. I don’t always do well on tests, so I am concerned and have anxiety regarding that. Ultimately, I want to pass the exam so I can work as a Level 1, then get my supervisor certification so I can supervise and someday – teach. I would still like to obtain my PhD someday, but now is not the time. Maybe in a decade or so, once the kids are done with school and on their way as adults, I’ll have more time and can continue my quest to have all the letters surrounding my name. ; )

I still feel good about turning down the doctorate program. I feel super good that I got accepted but now’s just not the right time. My kids still need me a whole lot and I really want to get in to the house this fall. I’m so excited to have our own space with a yard and everything. I can’t wait to have a garden and compost.

In doing the sustainability proposal, I learned a lot about what I really should be doing to help my self and the future be more successful. We do what we can with where we are, but I’m beyond excited to have these opportunities and to teach my kids these important skills. I can’t wait to really teach them about living in a way that is environmentally conscious and develop skills that will help them be even more independent as they get older. To be able to harvest their own food – oh, man. That’s so great.

I’ve just had a lot going through my mind over the past few days and it’s generated a lot of anxiety. Kevin is wonderful. He could tell something was going on last night and that something wasn’t quite ok. So we laid and bed, he listened to me purge and then BC puked. I came back, laid down and he said, “You are a really good mom. You’re doing a really great job with them.” That made me feel good. He’s a wonderful man.

Back tracking a little bit, my ABA study group was too funny. On Monday, one lady goes, “Melinda, you should start a blog!” I said, “I have one!” lol They also suggested starting a Teachers Pay Teachers with some of the resources I have come up with to share. Not a bad idea at all. It’s something I definitely may start doing. I have all kinds of things that I have created that I would be happy to share. It’s all about sharing and the success of others. People helping people.

I hope you all have a great day.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 130: updates

I’m sitting and syncing my iPad in an effort to back everything up before heading to Best Buy for a trade in.

Over a YEAR ago, I started the process for Kaylee to get a device. She had the trial, we did the meetings, submitted the paperwork and for OVER A YEAR we have heard nothing. Complaints were made. Nothing happened. The deal is: Doods is on state aid. The state currently has about 24 providers and they are going own to like 4. They’ve known this for the past year and have been dragging out the process so that no payment will be made.

It’s all about money.

Because the state is so incredibly in debt, because the insurance companies are all about making money – this little girl remains without a voice. I made the conscious decision months ago that if this doesn’t pan out, to bite the bullet for an iPad mini and speech output software. Thankfully I know how to navigate the programs from my teaching experience. It’s a set back for the house, but Kevin and I agree on it’s importance. Every day she doesn’t have a device is a day she doesn’t progress forward as much as she could.

So, soon enough I’ll trek over to Best Buy and get a tablet for her and one for boy child. They don’t have to worry about sharing, she doesn’t have to wait for her voice, everyone wins.

We are going to need so much for the new house. Furniture and kitchenware for an entire house, for example. The first goal is getting the down payment. Then we move in to a house with almost nothing in it…. But at least it will be ours, right? Baby steps, I suppose.

I don’t have too much to report these days, which is all right. I’ve still been recovering from being sick. Yesterday was super busy at work so I didn’t get to eat until the day was over. User friendly tip: if you haven’t eaten all day, don’t eat a super heavy meal very quickly. It’ll make you want to puke for the rest of the night.

Allright, time for tablets.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Day 124: freedom is dope

While there is a whole bunch of shenanigans and malarkey occurring in our country today, one of the beautiful things remains: I can say whatever I’d like to about the craphole state of things. Thank you, first amendment.

I am grateful that I have the freedom, the RIGHT, to say what I think, say how I feel, love who I want to, vote for who I want to, own property, get divorced, have a job – these are beautiful things. I think they’re mostly taken for granted.

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately. Just thinking about the future and getting myself all worked up in to a tizzy.

I’m still recovering from whatever cold-flu hybrid monstrosity that plagued my body last week. I just haven’t felt like eating. When I do eat, it doesn’t taste good or I take a few bites and I’m just kind of done. I mean, I had a full meal yesterday at lunch, but my stomach hurt so bad afterwards. I had breakfast this morning. Nothing major – toast, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich…. I ate the whole thing and haven’t felt well since.

I woke up the past two mornings and just felt like crying.

I don’t know. I don’t get periods any more. I had a surgery so that I stopped having a period, but I still get everything else involved with a period – cramps, emotions, etc. It’s all to a lesser level than before, but it still happens and it’s frustrating.

I peopled yesterday. Like… hardcore peopled. For the first time in….. a very long time. I used to be super social. I would go out all the time, talk to people all the time, be out and about doing things…. then I got in to a not so great relationship that was on and off for like two years… and then I was basically a hermit for two years after that. The first year was simply because I couldn’t go anywhere because he would be there. He would find out where I was or where my friends were and show up there. If someone was parked at my house, he would text “who’s there? What are you doing?” Call me a whore or a slut and some other colorful choice words…. He always carried at least four knives on him and he bought a gun.

I worried about people when they came over, so I would have them park on the side of the house for a while and then just stopped having people come over. I tried to find new places to hang out, but he would find them so I stopped going out…. so I stopped having a lot of friends.

I have a very social, caring and supportive husband. He tries to get me to go out, people, have fun, but for whatever reason I can’t let myself go like I used to. I mean, I was never like a “partier”. I would be at the parties but I had kids at home who needed me so I was responsible.

Peopling yesterday was difficult. Maybe it didn’t seem like it, but it was. It took a LOT out of me. I’m not used to it. And everyone is in such different places in their lives and there’s so much history with each person…. Not bad history, necessarily, just history. Everyone is moving on and forward with their lives and I feel like, finally, with Kevin, I’m able to do that in a positive way.

I’m doing things I never thought I’d be doing, but in a good way. He makes me happy and laugh and even when I’m frustrated or upset with him, I still have so much love for him and he turns me to goo.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to let go and just be. Just exist.

I’m trying to give myself a break. Stop being so hard on myself. Stop placing so many demands and I think I am doing ok. But just OK. I can’t even give myself a break on giving myself a break.

Anyway.

It was nice to people yesterday, but I was definitely worn out by nightfall. I’m really glad I’m not the person I used to be. Sure, I had fun for the most part, but there were definitely things that I maybe should have chosen differently. You learn. I guess that’s the important part – learning from your choices and experiences as to not replicate them.

Welp. The kids should be coming home in a little bit from their Dad’s. Kevin should be returning from his quest to find food. My Mom is watching the Music Man as per tradition. I finished up my part of the ABA study guide and got this nonsense out of my head.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun Fourth celebration.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.