Do you ever have those days where you just feel like a complete fraud?
I have those days a lot. Days where I feel like an imposter, like I don’t really fit in anywhere but people believe I do and I feel like one day I’m going to be found out.
I had an interview earlier today for a clinic to work with littles. It’s a really exciting opportunity to get to learn a whole nother side of ABA that’s not currently available to me. I’m going to pursue it, because I like to learn and I like little kids. But heading to the site I couldn’t help but feel like I’m a fake.
I was thinking: What DO you know, really? Do you even know ANYTHING? You couldn’t do ABA if your life depended on it. What makes you think that you can really do this job and help others? You’re pretty much someone who fails upwards. Why should people listen to you? You don’t know anything. And so on and so forth.
So I have to try and pep talk myself – but you DO know things. You have degrees, certifications, clients making progress, staff who enjoy working with you, your kids – you’re good. Sure, there’s still a lot to learn but that’s the whole point of this – get in there and learn all you can so that it’s not an area of deficit.
Somehow the negative always wins… Even though I have degrees and certifications, my brain is saying “You’re an idiot” – even though, logically, I know I’m totally not. I’m not sure how to fix that.
I really appreciate being a position to develop my own schedule. I really like having flexibility and being able to say yes and no to different things… and sometimes feeling like shit and not doing any work that day. It’s a beautiful freedom. It’s a beautiful freedom that I have had to bust my ass to be able to do. I’m grateful for that.
I need to get it together and focus. I have to get work done.
Sometimes I think about everything I want to do or get done and it’s so overwhelming that I just…. don’t do any of it. I think it’s helpful for me to have a busier schedule… in a way, it forces me to schedule my time. With this current gig, I can schedule for the most part but sometimes things come up and that changes. I wish I had more people/opportunities to learn more stuff. I feel like such a noob in this field. Which, really, I totally am. I’ll figure it out, I guess. I have to.
Okay, I think I’m going to make some tea & get myself situated for the rest of the day. I’m going to finish this behavior plan, write out my house rules meeting plan for tomorrow, and pound out another chapter or two of vocab in to Quizlet. To do lists are fantastic. So is tea.
Thanks for stopping by.
I am glad you exist.