Every morning, I have a routine. Husband wakes up, showers, then comes to wake me up. I groggily oblige, grab my phone and start mindlessly scrolling to get my eyes and mind to wake up. I almost always start with my “On this day” section. I enjoy looking at the cool things I did or accomplished. It reminds me of how hard I have worked to get to where I am today. Granted, there are also some unpleasant reminders in there BUT they, too, are examples of things I have overcome. I still stand.
It’s a good, healthy, reminder that I’ve made it through a lot and accomplished a lot and I’m still here. It shows me that I can make it through damn near anything the future throws at me, so I should calm my ass down and not have so much anxiety.
Should is the key word there, should.
As I was scrolling this morning, I came across a post I made three years ago after I won Miss Congeniality at the North American Pole Dance Championships. It brought me back to that weekend… All of the laughs backstage with the girls and having a darling doll from Iowa later recall me as Kneepad Nina. Meeting Bunni for the first time and telling her, “I don’t know who you are, but I have a feeling you’re going to be amazing.” Then she won our division and has gone on to do AMAZING things. And she is sweet as pie, to boot. The smell of the fake Bourbon street. Giving an unknown bachelorette a pretty wild surprise at her party. Spilling a table of drinks because I was dancing on it. Meeting a group of doctoral candidate physicists from across the pond and talking about molecular science by the bonfire until the wee hours of the morning. Partying, maybe, a little too much… Nah. Every single second was worth it. I was living and it felt great.
I remember being completely exhausted by the end of the weekend. It came time for the ceremonies and everyone was asking, “You’re going to be there, right??” I kept saying, “yeah, dude, I’ll be there but then I’ll leave right after ’cause I’m tired.” I just remember continually being urged to stay for the ceremonies… which, really, I wasn’t going to miss anyway – how can I cheer for my friends if I’m not there?
So I groggily woman-ed the NAPDC table for a little while and the ceremonies began. I was sitting with my friend Stef at the time excitedly chattering about the weekend and the awards. Award after award, we would excitedly cheer for our fellow pole buddies and scream congrats, jump hug, etc. Awards are always a good time. Then it came time for Miss Congeniality. I think I was cracking a joke as she announced my name. Stef looked at me and shouted, “OH MY GOD! THAT’S YOU! YOU WON!” It took a second to sink in then I ran to the stage in excitement.
People liked me! Well, they STILL like me. I definitely was NOT expecting it. I don’t think people ever expect an award for being themselves, you know?
Over the years, that gorgeous Glitter Heel has served as a reminder of who I am and what I am about. The past few years I have been faced with a tremendously overwhelming amount of negativity. I began to lose my light. I wasn’t happy and bouncy and silly and giggly. I wasn’t climbing random things, trying to fit in to small spaces, or just being goofy. My fire was being slowly suffocated.
It almost went out March 1st.
BUT I am stronger than that. My spark wasn’t going to be snuffed out by the darkness of others. It seems like another lifetime, but it was only a few months ago. Isn’t that crazy? Things change so much in so little time so long as you are brave enough to take those steps. It’s terrifying, but it’s so worth it. What’s the saying? When you have two choices, go with the one that scares you the most because that’s the one that will help you grow? Something like that. Or if it terrifies you, definitely do it? You get what I’m saying. Fear, terror, and anxiety are good things – to a point, of course. They can be healthy.
I woke up in terror on March 1st.
I was terrified for my self. I was terrified for my sanity. I was terrified for my body. I’m glad I made the decisions I did. I’m glad I took myself to the doctor. I’m still convinced that had I not done it myself, I would have been taken by someone else a short while later. It makes a difference.
March 1st was a new day.
Since then, I have become so. much. happier. I love working at the bakery. It’s good for my soul. I’m going to start practicing ABA soon and that’s exciting (I’ll update on this shortly). I have my bachelorette party this weekend, my BCBA exam on Monday, our wedding shower next weekend, and the wedding in October with all kinds of shenanigans in between. It’s a good time to be alive. Well, EVERY time is a good time to be alive.
I know that it really doesn’t seem like it sometimes. Sometimes you just want to be like FUCK THIS. FUCK THAT. FUCK ALL OF YOU AND YOUR NEIGHBORS. I’M OUT. Totally get it. But if you stick through it? Life is so rewarding. If you make those tough choices, happiness IS there and it DOES exist. Shit happens. Plans change. Road blocks happen. But if you keep working and you keep making decisions with your goals in mind you will get there… maybe not the way you had initially anticipated, but it happens.
I thought FOR SURE that by the time I was 30 I would be in a house, I would have a PhD, I would be traveling the world, I’d be super skinny, life would be GRAND. Well. Here I am at 33, in a basement BUT working towards a house (with a realistic end in sight), with a Master’s (no PhD at this time *by choice*) and *almost* a bad ass board certification, traveling the country, a little extra curvy, happily married for the second time, raising two au-some kids and life is GRAND. Why? Because I’m living.
All good things.
Just a quick update on the whole second job ABA thing: I met with my new boss yesterday to develop a plan in regards to submitting a new plan for approval. I feel pretty good about it. Hopefully by the end of September I’ll be approved by the state and level up because I’ll officially be a BCBA. Boy Child said to me this morning, “Mommy, I hope you pass your exam. I would tell Ms. D (their summer care provider) that ‘if Mommy passes the exam’ and she would stop me and say ‘WHEN your Mommy passes the exam, she is a smart lady.’ I think you’ll do it, Mommy.” Almost made me cry. My new boss thinks I’ll pass too. So does everybody else. I keep reviewing. I’ve been giving my brain a bit of a break this week. I didn’t want to cram all week then get to test day and just blank on everything. Four more days. Oof.
I can do it. I *will* do it. I just need to trust my brain to know what it knows and not second guess. When I second guess, I lose. I’ll brain dump a subject as it comes up and check against my knowledge. I know what I know. I should be just fine. I’ll probably get the nervous poops, but that’s ok ; D
Anywho. If you need a smile today, watch my competition routine from 2014. I decided to just go out there and have fun. It’s not technical. It’s not clean. It’s not difficult. But it’s fun and should make you laugh. Enjoy ; )
Thanks for stopping by.
I am glad you exist.