Anxiety is at a high today.
I’ve had a pretty stressful year and things have definitely calmed down as of late.
Bodies and brains are fascinating. I had an absolutely wonderful conversation yesterday afternoon with a fellow parent and person battling with depression. It’s so nice to converse with someone who legitimately understands your life and point of view and to know you aren’t being judged in any way.
We talked a little about having mental breakdowns, being on the brink of your own extinction and to be a few months removed from it and feel… basically normal. Well, normal for yourself – still battling depression, still battling anxiety, still handling floods of catastrophic thoughts, still trying to regulate your own emotions while attempting to help others…. Normal every day mental illness struggles. Struggles that WE know as normal but other people look at you like you’re a big fucking whack job when you talk about it.
It makes me even more grateful to have people who understand me and my processes. Most of the time I keep my crazy to myself and that’s for a few reasons. Most other people have their own struggles on a day to day basis, most people are very reactionary – so by that I mean my anxiety will increase their anxiety and I’m not trying to play that game. Most people look at you like… “you really think that way? I don’t know that I want to be your friend any more then… Weirdo.”
Mean girls and bullies still exist in adulthood.
Not saying that I’m experiencing that currently, which is nice to say. I actually have a really great surrounding group of people on my day to day… which is really great in comparison to some of my previous situations… people going through my desk and belongings, purposeful sabotage, spreading lies and rumors, on and on and on…. Again, it makes me grateful for those who I’m currently surrounded by.
Which is one of the many reasons it makes leaving the bakery extremely difficult.
Over the past three months or so I have been going through the process to become an approved provider for behavior analysis through the state. It was a long and laborious process, but I did it. With doing ABA, I have to reduce my hours at the bakery. I’m concerned about burn out, conflicts, and all the things. I absolutely love what I do there and who I do it with. Leaving there breaks my heart. Everyone has been warm, welcoming, supportive and just all around wonderful. I have met and become friends with some awesome people. Even going down in days is difficult. We will see how it plays out.
In doing ABA full time, it is the next huge necessary step for us to get in to our own home. It’s an anxiety ridden experience, but a positive one. I have had all the thoughts rushing and flooding in to my brain causing a LOT of anxiety and catastrophic thoughts… which is fun and exciting.
But at least it’s the only real thing I’m facing right now. I am out of that previous stress-heavy job. My skin is healthier. The wedding is over. I have my exam retake on the 27th, so that’s a thing but I’m much calmer about it this go-round and I don’t know why. I guess I know what to anticipate. I have been studying still, focusing on my areas of weakness and just hoping for the best. That’s all I can do, right? My best. If I don’t pass this time… well, I just don’t know. I’ll retake it next year, I guess. I don’t really want to be a seventh time’s a charm! person. We shall see.
Other than the exam, it’s working, parenting, saving dollars, and living. I think I can handle that. Sometimes the living part gives me a spot of trouble, but I’m used to it – same with parenting.
I’ve definitely been feeling more like myself lately. One of the most exciting prospects of doing ABA is working from home and generating my own schedule. I’m really excited to have time for self-care. I’m excited to have the time and energy to exercise and feel better – health wise. I realized yesterday that I quit smoking two years ago. TWO. YEARS. I still have some breathing issues from it, but it’s gotten so much better. The temptation is always there, same with the cravings, but I haven’t and I’m glad. I’m excited to try some new outlets like kickboxing and get back in to rock climbing. I need to build up some strength and endurance first before I take some classes. Right now I’m a blob of a person and I’d like to get some of that back. Be like the Million Dollar Woman – better, stronger, faster.
I know my husband thinks I’m a foxy lady. That’s pretty great. I think I look good but I want to look GOOD, yamean? I guess feel good. I don’t know. I just want to exercise again and feel better about, well, ME. As long as I don’t lose my butt I think we’ll be good. ; D
I feel better finally being able to talk about things. I’ve had to keep the ABA and house thing under wraps until it panned out and we had some answers/timelines/solutions. It’s been a painful couple of months because all of that was happening on top of the wedding. Talk about stresssss…. and especially stress that doesn’t really have much of an outlet. Woof. I’m glad things are just out there now. Much better.
I hope you have a great day, everyone.
Thanks for stopping by.
I am glad you exist.