031418: sweet and sour

Time for some brutal honesty, here.

I love my husband.

I do not love some of my family’s decisions.

Now, I know that everybody’s family has a certain level of fuckery that goes on. It’s totally normal. No one is perfect and shouldn’t be expected to be perfect. I live my life in a disabled world and I LOVE it. Why? Because even the smallest of successes are celebrated. You got your dinner plate and sat at the table with only hearing “dinner’s ready”? AWESOME. You’re starting to type words on a keyboard and make sentences? AMAZING. You made eye contact with me and cracked a smile? SUPER DOPE.

I think working with this population gives me close to zero tolerance for other people. I asked Kevin last night: Is it worse to do something bad and not know it’s bad OR to do something bad even though you KNOW it’s bad? We both immediately said the latter.

Which brings me to my opening statement. So, Kevin & I were planning a trip to Nashville – both to see my sister and so I could attend a conference. I was on a waiting list for this conference, so we weren’t sure of our departure date but I talked with my sister with plenty of advance notice…. long story short, I was accepted to the conference, told my sister and then she responded with, “Sorry, we are going on a vacation.”

Now, at this point, everyone I have relayed this story to asked the same exact question: So, can you just stay at your sister’s house while they’re away?

The answer: No. 

However, she is incapable of straight out saying, “No, you cannot stay here.” Her response is along the lines of, “Sorry your trip didn’t work out.” My Mom talked with her and asked her, “Well from the way you’re talking, it doesn’t even sound like you’d let me stay either. Would you let me stay at your house?” She replied, “Honestly? No.”

Additionally, Kevin’s brother & wife and her sister & husband were ALSO going to be in Nashville during that time. We were planning on spending some QT with my sister/hubs and then with his brother/wife. It was going to be an adult family fun time – which never happens, ever. My SIL posted on FB asking for suggestions on what they should do while in Nashville. I had commented earlier on her status and, if you have FB, you know you get the subsequent comment notifications. Which I did. So I looked. I saw my sister commented on her status…. which means she is friends with my SIL.

A point of note here is: My sister is not friends with me on facebook by her choice. She does not want to be publicly associated with me, my husband or anything that we do. She is friends with my Mom, Dad, and, apparently, my sister in law… but not me.

This is my real life, guys. True story.

Of course my Mom, being the wonderful person she is, continues to come to my sister’s defense. Even though she is well aware that, as her mother, SHE isn’t even welcome in their home. I asked her, “Doesn’t that offend you? Aren’t you offended by that? YOU’RE HER MOTHER.” She said No. But I know my Mom. I know her face. Her face said everything. Her face said: I really wish you two would get along. I wish my other daughter didn’t say ‘No.’ I wish my brother and I got along, too. 

THAT makes me sad. THAT makes me upset. I am more upset over what this does to my Mom than it does to me. All my Mom has ever wanted from us as siblings was to be the best of sister friends… which we clearly will never be. It took us YEARS to even just be on cordial terms and be able to share space for a few days. We’re never besties. It’s just not the nature of our personalities and relationship, which is OK. That’s fine.

BUT. You can’t purposefully choose to keep people out of your life and expect things to be all honky-dory fine and dandy. It doesn’t work that way.

I don’t hold any of our parent’s actions against her in any way. But I will hold her accountable for her own actions. Now, my Dad – he makes some not great decisions when it comes to relationships but I get it. I know how he grew up, I know his 10 siblings all have similar issues, and I know that he’s going to do what he thinks is ok… even when it’s totally not. BUT my Dad, I can tell him – hey, I really don’t like when you do this shit, this shit and this shit and he’ll go…. oh, fuck, I’m sorry. I’ll try not to do that. I appreciate that. I can work with that. He’s my weirdo Dad and I love him for it. He tries.

Conversely, my sister knows full well what she is doing. She is hyper aware of her actions…. and still does them. I don’t appreciate that. I can’t work with that. So I don’t and I won’t.

I have enough stress and anxiety in my life with my mom, my kids and my self that I don’t need that additional source of stress.

We’re all adults and we make our own choices. We have one life to live and it’s full of the results of our choices. I choose not to carry around negativity or hard feelings – which is something my handsome husband doesn’t quite understand. He gets upset for me in these situations. I appreciate that because it shows how much he cares about me, my feelings and my well-being. For me, it’s like.. if you want to be shitty about something, you go right on ahead and be shitty over there in your area. I’ll be chillin’ over here not effected. Same with arguments. I don’t get mad. It drives my Mom and Kevin insane. They’ll be dialed up to 11 and I’m hangin’ out at a 1, maybe 2.

Anyway. I just….don’t put any energy in to it, I guess. It’s clear how people feel and who deserves energy and who doesn’t. With this whole recent incident, my Mom even said, “You need to pick your battles. You should be grateful she picked the battle to come to your wedding.” Of course, my response was: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I SHOULD BE GRATEFUL THAT MY SISTER DECIDED TO ARGUE WITH HER HUSBAND ABOUT COMING TO MY WEDDING? Then she told me to stop being shitty. Yes, *I* was being shitty because I got upset that I should be grateful she chose to argue about coming to my wedding. Yeah, ok. I love my Mom, but cripes. C’mon now.

If it’s her husband that’s the issue well, then, that’s a whole different conversation.

Either way, like I said – we’re adults and we all make our choices. Our lives are the results of those choices.

Me? I choose to surround myself with people who I love and love me back. Who aren’t afraid of who I am as a person. Who support me in my endeavors and enrich my life in one way or another. Who teach me – about their knowledge, about their interests, about my self, about everything I don’t know* (*and was afraid to ask). Who love me whether I’m talking about pole, pot or psychotic breakdowns (and let’s be real, I don’t talk much about the first two on that list, but it makes for decent alliteration – which we know I’m a fan of). I choose to surround myself with people who make me feel appreciated, good enough, and worth their time and energy. I’m really hoping other people can say the same about me.

I’d really hope people would tell me if I was being shitty. Well, actually, they do. They really do. I have a solid crew of people who will call me out on my bullshit and I love them all the more for it. I have people that I can lay it all out to and they’ll bring me back to Earth. Good people, they are. I’m a very fortunate person. While you can’t choose your family, you can always choose your friends – they become your tribe.

I feel better getting that out of my system. That’s been occurring over the past few days with last night being kind of the final straw. Considering the dreams I had last night, I knew I needed to get it out of my system. Can’t carry that shit around, man. It’s bad for your body. This is why I make the choices I do – for a healthier me. I’m doin’ the damn thing.

Anywhos. Other than that whole hot mess of a situation – its pi day! It’s also the day that, ironically, Stephen Hawking passed away. It’s also Kevin’s and my dating anniversary (because we’re neeeerrrrddsss).

At my lady doctor appointment, she was doing her bewbie exam and saw the tattoo I have on my rib cage under my left bewb. It’s the molecular structure of sugar with a heart as the center O. She got REALLY excited and goes, “OH WHAT’S THAT??” (makes sense that a Doctor would get excited over a molecular structure tattoo). I told her that’s the molecular structure for sugar. My husband always calls me “sugar”. The heart is for sweetheart. And it’s close to my heart. She got THE biggest, cheesiest, shit eating grin on her face and said excitedly, “I LOVE IT. That’s so sweet, I love it!”

Then I told her about the one he has and she laughed. I told her that Kevin and I love to play cribbage, because we’re old people. In cribbage, if you lose by a certain number of points, it’s called getting “skunked.” If you lose by even more points, it’s called getting “double skunked.” So, my husband has a double skunk – it’s a single body with two heads (a lady head and a man head) and a split tail that makes a heart. She kept on smiling and said, “I really like that, that’s wonderful. I love it.” Her enjoyment of our nerd love made me all squishy because our love makes me warm and squishy…. like my lady parts. I suppose that means our love is like a vagina.

Kidding.

That transitive property doesn’t always make the most sense. ; )

Ok, enough of that. I think I’m going to rest a little before starting to work on things. My brain feels tired and my body feels not great. I hope you all get to celebrate Pi day in some way today. I also hope that you show someone kindness today. Just a little bit of kindness. It goes a long way.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

 

Advertisements

031318: the clock is ticking

I don’t like running out the clock. I can be one of the most patient and impatient people on the planet.

With my kids, with my clients, with anyone that has some sort of impairment or disability – all the patience in the world. I can wait out behaviors and talk down crazy with the best of ’em.

Everyone else or myself? OH MY FUCKING GOD, DO THE DAMNED THING. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? I NEED ANSWERS NOW BECAUSE I’M LITERALLY DYING.

It’s a good thing I have my handsome, squishy, Algae husband to keep me calm, focused and redirected when it comes to the latter.

I feel good about a recent decision I made. It feels like I actually made the right decision. It’s comforting…. like Hooray! I did it! I adulted!

I would really like to fast forward a few weeks from now. I don’t remember what I wrote about yesterday and I usually don’t go back and re-read my posts. Once it’s out of my head, it stays there. I don’t necessarily want to look back at anything and fill it with anything other than the present. The present is enough of a challenge in and of itself.

I want to know the ultrasound results. I want to know what’s going on and how to fix it.

Contrary to how I’ve been living the past few years, I actually really enjoy being active. However, as my crappy body craps out on me, I’ve become less and less active. It’s really getting irritating. I like to go hiking, climbing, fuck – even just on a walk. I can’t even go on a walk because I end up in a ridiculous amount of pain. I’m hoping this ultrasound shows something and we can fix it.

I would really just like to go a day without pain. That would be super neat.

Sigh.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

031218: riding the crazy train

Do you ever feel like while you’ve acknowledged a fair amount of your crazy and instability that there’s a whole nother realm of crazy just waiting to come out and party?

Sometimes when I’m laying in bed, before I go to sleep, my brain takes that as a cue – “LET’S DO THIS THING. LET’S GET WEIRD.” Last night, for instance, as my pre-sleep spastic energy died down (husband and I were discussing what a Presidential porno would entail, peppered with phrases like “I’ll Dick your Cheney!” and “It should be titled ‘Watergate.””), I closed my eyes and immediately envisioned a millipede coming out of my nose. I opened my eyes, looked around, closed them again and it was like… I was surrounded by Killer Klowns that had gone through toxic waste and become even WEIRDER looking. This is a pretty regular thing. Not the Klowns, but weird shit coming very vividly to hang out in my pre-dream house.

There’s always dreams, too. The night before I woke up because I was trying to escape being murdered. You know when you have a dream and you know the people in your dream? Except you don’t know them at all? They don’t look familiar in any way, but your brain is saying, “oh hey, you know those guys! they’re your friends!” Then they try to murder you, so you move in a way so that your back is never to the dreamland murderesses as you “inconspicuously” walk to your car to leave. But then you finally get to your car in dreamy murderland only to find it’s locked, you can’t get it open and the murderesses are closing in. Then you hear your child chirping happily to (what I can readily assume was) VeggieTales and wake up. It’s quarter to six. Might as well get up and make the donuts.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s my future… not being murdered in dreamland by fake friends, but hanging out with demented clown people and bugs in my body. Like, that’s the shit that goes through my head before I go to sleep – the defenses are down, I’m not actively using my brain so that leaves it wiiiiddeee open for all the crazy to just come flooding in. Sometimes the crazy is fun and leads to hilarious conversation… well I think it’s hilarious conversation, although Kevin may not always agree. Particularly when we are talking about what underwater sea creatures we would be and I tell him I think he would make good Algae.

Sure, it’s not the sexiest of sea creatures, but hang with me here – Algae produces clean air AND it’s a superfood. It’s helpful in all different aspects of the environment and so is my husband. He helps me breathe cleaner and is, in a way, my superfood. Plus it’s squishy, like my husband. And I LOVE HIM THAT WAY. I love my squishy Algae husband.

Then I wonder what kind of fun brain-antics my kids will face as they get older. Genetically, they won the party having me as their Mom and a Dad who also has your garden variety of mental illnesses. They both have Autism…. it’s common for people with Autism to have some kind of co-morbid diagnosis. I think Boy Child will end up with some sort of bipolar diagnosis and Doods? At some point, intellectual disability will get tacked on, but she doesn’t really show any other symptoms of concern. Schizophrenia is a big one (I mean, that’s actually where Autism has it’s roots), but she’s not showing anything yet and let’s just hope it stays that way.

Anyway. I’m pretty sure I relayed the message about my degenerating back. If not, hey, my back is degenerating! Neat! Earlier today I had my lady doctor visit. My primary care doctor STRONGLY URGED I follow up with her when I told him what was going on. So I went, got fingered in the name of science and received an order for an ultrasound to check out my inner ladybits. I’ll know that verdict in about two weeks, so I’ll keep you guys updated on that.

I spoke with a friend earlier today because, of course, everything is cancer and I’m dying. But he gave me the proverbial friendly bitch slap and brought me back to some semblance of reality. No need to worry until it’s time to worry…. unless you have an anxiety disorder, in which case – EVERY time is a time to worry. Don’t have a reason? I’ll totally give you a reason. I’ll do better than that, I’ll give you 10 reasons! Why? Because I’m an overachiever, that’s why.

I just try to keep my hands busy so I don’t start picking at my face or biting my nails. Go go gadget anxiety response! Yeah!

I think it’s time I make myself another cup of coffee. Doods decided 3 am was a perfectly acceptable time to be awake…. and then to keep checking my face to see if I was awake. God made that child adorable and gave me coffee and a job I can do from home so that she makes it another decade of life.

Ok. Coffee time.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

030618: navigating the fog

Brain fog. Inability to focus.

I’ve been really tired lately. I fell asleep yesterday after laying down. Now, I don’t nap. It’s a very rare occasion that I nap. I slept for two hours. Then I slept for ten hours last night.

I mean, I was up with Doods the night before. She was up last night, but husband took a turn and got up with her. So why am I so freaking tired?

We had a wonderful, blissful week of sleep. Doods slept through the night every night. She was on her cycle and sick. Is it terrible to wish your child had that combo all the time so you can sleep?

I guess I’m feeling the weight and stress of everything.

Doods has… *had* moles on her back. She effectively scratched them off. But of course, I’m worried about them. I took her to the doctor so I could get a referral to the dermatologist for her. The next available derm appt. is in June. JUNE. How ridiculous is that?

Test results come out in a few weeks. I haven’t been really focused on it as what’s done is done. I just don’t know if I passed or not. I don’t feel secure. I don’t know if I passed or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if I didn’t pass. I don’t know how I’ll feel. Guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I go to the doctor on Monday. That will probably involve some follow up. Maybe some answers.

March holds potential. It can either be super great or a dud. We will find out at the end of the month. I just feel tired.

This weekend is another one of our Marvel Movie Marathons. But we are going to take BC to see Black Panther in the morning first. We are almost through all the movies. We will see Black Panther, then watch three movies. Next month is the last one – the last two before Infinity War. Then I’ll be all caught up. It’s been really neat watching them in close order – following the story, development, continuity – it’s neat. I’m excited for Black Panther.

I need to get it together.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

365: one year down

One year ago, I woke up and said to myself “I can’t do this any more, I need help.”

I had scabs all over my scalp. I had dry patches all over my body. I was constantly nauseas. I had perpetual headaches and terrible migraines. My boss laughed in my face when I told her about my situation. I went to the doctor and went back only to retrieve my things and provide closure to my consumers.

I still keep in touch with some of my staff. It wasn’t their fault. I give them immense credit for hanging there. I just couldn’t do it.

A year ago, I was wrapping up my coursework, waiting to interview for the PhD program, and fighting for survival. I remember breaking down in the doctor’s office. I kept it together until I got with the psych PA. She asked, “what is it you want?” I broke down sobbing saying, “I just want to be ok.” She said, “I believe because you want to, you will.”

And, you know, hey, I’m here! So that’s pretty neat ; D

I wish I had something more profound to say. I wish I had some really great inspirational message for you. I’ve thought about it for over a week, knowing this day was approaching…. All I can really say, though, is I’m here.

Maybe that’s all I really need to say? I needed help. I took myself to get help. I followed through with my care, for the most part, and today I am here.

I’m glad you are, too.

Had I left this day a year ago, I wouldn’t have gotten married. I wouldn’t have said no to the PhD program. I wouldn’t have had the pleasure and experience of working in one of the coolest bakeries around. I wouldn’t have seen my daughter turn 10 or my son make music, drawings, and hear his jokes. I wouldn’t have started working as a BA. I wouldn’t be approaching a whole slew of opportunities at present if I wasn’t here.

Living is exhausting sometimes, but in the end, it’s worth it. You only get one shot at life. And it’s totally okay to fuck it up a little bit…. or a lot a bit in some cases…. because you can always get help and come back stronger.

If you’re struggling today or tomorrow or any day, just know that help is out there for you. There’s support out there for you. I may not know you – but I’m pulling for you. Everyone has something to offer this world and I would hate for the world to miss out on your gifts.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

362: kids, crying & confabbing

I have tried to figure out a way to start this entry, but nothing seems quite right. I tried to be poignant.  I tried eloquence. I guess what I’m trying to talk about isn’t either one of those, which is why it doesn’t feel right.

Last night, I cried.

“But, Melinda, why did you cry?”

Yesterday was a nice day. We went to a family gathering, played games, ate some food and had a nice time. What is there to cry about?

Every day, I have to be on point with my parenting. Every day, the switch is on for behavior shaping and development – and it’s not just for my kids. I’m not mad about it or anything, it’s just exhausting some times.

I don’t really ever get to “just relax”.

Before we left for our family gathering, one irritated boy was arguing with a larger irritated boy. In the middle is me – remaining calm, keeping the peace, providing instructions to both, and trying to keep the tone for the day a pleasant one. The ridiculous issue was resolved and we moved forward with our day.

The gathering, like I said, was really nice. But, when we got home, I cried.

It’s really great to see the progress your kids have made over the years. Doods was actually trying to play with the other kids. She was running around, playing, an genuinely having fun. So was Boy Child. They were having fun. With other kids. That just…. doesn’t really happen on a regular basis in our world. As I type, my eyes just well up with tears.

It’s hard to understand when this isn’t your world.

So many times we have gone to the park and one of my kids tries to approach another kid and they just get looked at like, “What the hell are you doing?” And my kids just… don’t understand the rejection.

But yesterday, they played. For hours. They laughed and ran and played with others. Everyone had smiles and pure joy.

I spend my life working with people that have special needs. My days are surrounded and filled with people that aren’t neurotypical. In a way, I guess that’s what I need.

Being around the other kids reminded me of everything that my kids are not, nor will they ever be. It’s a punch to the gut. Sure, I’m a strong mom. Sure, I fight for my kids and everyone else who has needs but there are always going to be those moments. Those moments where you sit back and go, “That will never be my kid.” Watching them play, they could just… be. The other kids don’t need much coaching or explicit instruction on how to play and/or interact with others. Things that the 8 year olds were doing were things that we had to work for YEARS on with BC and he is swiftly approaching 12.

While we played a game, I got to hang out with a 2 year old. He is so smart and funny and social. He was picking up on language and colors and things just while we sat there and played the game. He was picking up on things in minutes that we have been working on for a decade with Doods… and he’s 2. The delay and discrepancy was beyond evident and broke my heart.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I’m immensely proud of where they are and the progress they have made over the years…. it’s just… they’ll never even be remotely close to “normal.”

Yes, yes, normal is boring and I agree with that but…. abnormal isn’t always easy. For the person or those surrounding them.

Kevin asked if I was having baby fever and I said no, not really. I’ve just always wondered what it would be like. What would it be like to have a kid with “normal” growth patterns and issues from start to finish. He said well at least we don’t have to worry about high school dating, especially with Doods. I said you’re right, we get to worry about staff taking advantage of her and her not being able to tell us that she’s being hurt… which is so much better.

I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t ask for any of this. I do the best I can with what I’ve been given and while I am okay at handling everything on a daily basis, sometimes? Sometimes I have moments of weakness. Sometimes I would love to know what they would have been like WITHOUT Autism. What would Doods be like if she could talk with us? Would she just be an artsy math kid? Would she be an engineer? An architect? A fashion designer? I could totally see that having been her path. She’s got an eye for colors and patterns. What about Cayden? What would his life be like if he didn’t fly off the handle so much? Or if he could recognize that he was being bullied? Or didn’t have so much anxiety?

There’s not much use questioning or wondering about those things too much…. That’s not real life. I can’t get stuck in this imaginary construct of questions and hypotheticals.

Real life is a sassy girl who loves to run and draw and watch weird sensory videos on her iPad and eat copious amounts of fruit. Real life is an obnoxious boy who watches top ten lists of everything known to man, likes to watch you play video games, makes REALLY bad jokes, and listen to musicals. It’s not bad. They really are good kids.

Just, sometimes, I wish it were a little easier – for them and for me.

As a parent, you understand and comprehend more of the bigger picture than they do. You hurt for them even when they don’t even KNOW they should feel hurt. I guess this is another one of those times.

I don’t live in these moments. You can’t. You really can’t. Otherwise the depression is overwhelming. It starts to build and feel insurmountable… So you sit at the kitchen table and cry. Then you wipe your face off and move on to the next thing… because life keeps moving forward. Doesn’t matter how much you want to just stop and pause, life keeps going.

So last night, I wiped my face and off we went to see The Dark Crystal (which was amazing).

It’s okay to have moments and to allow yourself to be sad for that little bit of time. You just can’t live in that moment, otherwise you lose sight of the bigger picture and all the progress that has been and will be made.

I also feel that way about the exam tomorrow. The anxiety and doubt have found the leak in the dam and its starting to flood in like WHOA. But I also have to stop and pause and have a moment – for myself – to look at the progress that *I* have made and has gotten me to this point. Just like my kids, I’ve put in a lot of time, energy, and effort to grow and be the person I am now… and I’m not going to stop growing because life keeps going.

Tomorrow when I sit for the exam, I just need to take my time. Read the question. Do the word puzzle. Mind negation questions. Discriminate. I can do it. And I will. I’m ready to move on with my next goals in life and having this certification is a part of that.

I don’t quite know what I will do if I don’t pass this time…. which shouldn’t matter because, I’ve put it out in to the universe enough times – I’m passing this time. I won’t find out until end of March.

So, today, I’m going to do some work and I’m going to do some things that will make me feel better. I’m going to get my sides shaved and have lunch with my best friend. Maybe I’ll review a little bit (because there’s nothing new I’m going to learn at this point). Probably cry a little more just to get it out of my system.

Anyway, I needed to get that all out.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

359: opportunities

I’m going to brain dump here, so brace yourselves.

Exam day is Tuesday. I feel much more confident going in to this exam than my previous attempts. I went about studying differently and that has made a tremendous difference. All I can do is go in there and do my best. Dissect the question, do the word puzzles, select the best answer (which may not always be what my guts say.. and frankly, I’ve learned, that my guts? have shit for brains).

I have been feeling a lot of pressure on the work end of things. No matter what – I will always hold to my ethics and integrity. I will always act in a manner that is in the best interests of the individual and their family. Sometimes that means difficult situations and difficult decisions. I will do what I can to ensure the health, welfare, safety and security of individuals – especially those who cannot do so for themselves.

I’ve been learning a lot. Researching a lot. Applying a lot. Figuring things out a lot. It’s been.. an experience. It’s nice when you have people to bounce ideas off of and problem solve together.

I’ve had a few various opportunities presented to me recently – one of them involves presenting a parent/patient perspective to a medical community, another involves community first responder training, the other is applying to become a board member, another is a position in a clinic. All very exciting. Things are in development and emerging. It’s pretty neat. We will see how things officially shape up over time.

Other new news is that I got official word that my back is falling apart. I have to do some follow up on that but put it on hold until after I take the exam. It’s so crazy to think how different everything was a year ago. Life changes so rapidly.

Back to work.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

346: down the rabbit hole

Today is Doctor’s appointment day. Which I know won’t lead to anything instantly other than more appointments… but hopefully that will lead to answers.

So let’s go down the rabbit hole here. An extra special glimpse in to how my brain works.

I was in the shower the other day. I was in a tremendous amount of pain from my hip and side. The train started rolling and took off – like that super speed train in Japan. It went from – what if it’s arthritis? what if it’s necrosis? what if there are growths? or tumors? what if it’s bone cancer? what if i’m going to die? how would I tell Kevin? how would he react? would he leave me? would he never love any one ever again? what about my kids? on and on and on.

I shared a portion of the process with Kevin. His response? He smiled and gave me a jolly thumbs up. Which, of course, made me laugh. He is a wonderful person. He is always supportive.

Ok, I’m going to do some studying before I go to the doctor.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

345: I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful

I don’t often say I feel good about my work. But, today, I feel good about my work. I feel good about the work I did today.

I really feel like I helped families today. There were some bumps, but everyone was open and collaborative. Everyone was supportive and motivated. Everyone wanted what was best for the individual and their family. It’s reassuring.

In a way, I miss being in schools. Being in school as a teacher just wasn’t my calling. It’s been tremendously helpful with my own children and helping families advocate for their children. It’s also been helpful in the area of behavior analysis as we teach the same skills, but having the education background helps with knowing how a skill is built and where to start.

I absolutely love doing assessments. Assessments are my favorite. And data. Boy, do I love me some data.

At one of the meetings, the parent said, “I’m excited! I got that word from Melinda because she uses it a lot. She is always excited.” And I am! I get excited about progress. I get excited to see “oh shit, this totally DOES work!” I get excited about getting something RIGHT. I get excited about seeing lives get easier, seeing personalities bloom, and people happier. What’s NOT to get excited about?

Another parent said they were so grateful because I was able to put in to words what they couldn’t. Sometimes, when it comes to your own child it’s hard to get the words out because so many emotions are involved. I’m beyond grateful that I’m given the opportunity to speak on behalf of others in an effort to put their loved one in a positive position.

I am grateful to have the opportunities to collaborate with other driven professionals – to learn from one another, to improve our own craft in an effort to improve the lives of others. THAT is why I do it. THAT is what this is about. And it absolutely kills me when you do a training for staff in an effort to help them be more successful and they show up late, are on their phone the whole time and are argumentative. I’m here to help you, dude. I want to see everyone succeed.

I just want to help. That’s all I ever want to do – is help.

I feel like I’m finding my place. I feel like this was the right course for me. I feel increasingly excited about learning more sign language.

Can I pause here for a second and tell you how fucking cool it is to watch interpreters? I fucking love watching sign language interpreters. I love watching people sign. I love communicating in sign. I’m such a visual person and I absolutely love that we have a visual language. It’s like a hand dance when you speak and I think it is one of the coolest things on the planet. I cannot wait to learn more and go to deaf events and reach more people – it makes me (can you guess?) EXCITED.

; D

I enjoy having a positive impact on others. I feel that’s what I was put here for – to positively impact others’ lives in one way or another. Even if it’s stopping by your favorite bakery to see your bakery friends and bring them some candy on Valentine’s Day. ; 3 A little pick me up never hurt nobody.

I’m also feeling increasingly more confident in my knowledge, abilities, and application. I feel like I can effectively and accurately explain things to people. I’m always learning, which is totally cool and what we should all do, but I feel like I’ve got some sturdy footing.

I feel good about what I accomplished today. I feel like I represented the families and myself well. It’s really nice when people are excited to see you and collaborate with you. It feels really good.

Well, the chirrens will be home in a second so I need to cut it to a close. I hope that today, and every day, you can find a small piece of joy in it.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

344: stuff and things

Exam day is two weeks from today. I’ve been studying like crazy and it’s been taking up almost all of my free time. I feel much more confident going in to it this time and I keep putting it out in to the universe that I’m passing. Therefore I am.

I’ve been doing some additional advocacy outside of work and that has also been taking up my free time.

My hip is a constant issue. I go to the doctor on Thursday. At which time he’ll order imaging which means we won’t really have any answers for a few more weeks. It vacillates between minor discomfort and making me want to puke. Today is one of the latter. Sometimes it’s just the joint, other times it’s the whole area. I want to know what’s gong on so I know what to do. I’m getting really frustrated with being unable to exercise. I hate being stagnant. I want to move around and do so without being in tears from pain. That’d be super.

We crunched numbers the other day. Because I didn’t pass the exam and had to set up shop at home, the house is pushed back a few months. Now we are looking at August instead of May. It’s still in sight, just a little while longer than initially anticipated.

Hopefully nothing super major is with my hip. We can’t afford another set back otherwise we are never getting our own house. I’m tired of living in a basement.

I had to go on antibiotics the other week. They made me break out all over. For someone who is a picker, it’s pretty much the worst thing that can happen. I have to check multiple times a day to see the state of things. I keep my hands busy working most of the day, but every time I go to the bathroom – there’s the mirror, so I have to check and I have to pick. Sup baby OCD? I used to pick a LOT. I have some scarring from it. It’s gotten better over the years but things like this are awful.

Kids are doing well, which is nice. Nothing major going on there. I have Doods’ parent-teacher conference on Friday, so that’ll be nice.

Ok, I have to get some work in before I go to a training.

Oh and we are almost a year out from the meltdown. I’m sure I miscounted somewhere along the lines with numbering … I did. I’m off by five. But you know, hey, I’ll take it – it’s close enough. I feel like I should post something meaningful that day, but I don’t know what. Any suggestions?

Time for work.

Thanks for stopping by

I am glad you exist.