Day 228: Me and My Harveys.

I have spoken freely and often about my past experiences. In light of the #MeToo movement and much debate, I have decided to talk once again.

However, let me start by saying – You have power in your voice. 

Summer before Freshman Year of High School: I was at a pool party at my cousin’s house. Everyone had gone inside to get some sodas except for me and another person. He and I were in the pool. Outside. Alone. He made his advance, pinning me against the side of the pool and holding my legs tightly while he reached under my legs to pull his dick out and move my suit over. I was frozen in terror and shock. His back was to the door. A girl came out, saw what was going on and went back inside. Shortly, everyone came back outside and was forced to stop. The rest of the afternoon went on as usual. A few days later he tried to corner me in the shop room at school. Thankfully, someone walked in, stopped him and it ended.

Sophomore Year of High School: I was dating a police cadet. Why I thought it was a good idea and why I was allowed to stay overnight at his house, I’ll never know. We were doing what people do and it got to a point that I wanted to stop. I told him I didn’t want to, but that wasn’t the answer he wanted to hear. He used a police hold on me as he shoved his hand down my pants. Thankfully, my parents had me in karate as a kid and I was able to break free. I had no way home and no cell phone at the time. I spent the rest of the night on the couch. He broke up with me shortly after and told the entire school that I was a fucking slut and that we fucked and it was bad.

Senior Year of High School: I am dating someone who was very psychologically manipulative. He told me he didn’t like when I sang, because he couldn’t. Whenever I would start singing along with a song, he would immediately change it. I ran away from home. He was the first person I had sex with and would stop in the middle, screaming and hyperventilating, with flashbacks from my Sophomore Year experience.

Freshman Year of College: I was on winter break and went to visit a friend at his house. I pulled in to his driveway. He came out of the house and we talked in the driveway in front of my car. After a few minutes, he grabbed me and shoved his tongue in my mouth. He was twice my size, at least. I yelled for him to stop and get off me. His mom came to the door and told him to come inside. He continued. I tried to get away but only got turned around. He shoved one hand up my shirt and another down my pants. I kept yelling. His Mom came out again and yelled at him to get in the house. He turned me around, shoved his tongue in my mouth again and said something I don’t remember. My “best friend” at the time watched the entire thing from the front seat of my car and never said a word.

A few years ago: I was in a tumultuous relationship for about 2.5 years. He would tell me he loved me, that I was beautiful then would call me a whore and a slut. He would tell me other girls were prettier than I was. He used me for money, rides, food, cigarettes, sex. He would tell me he couldn’t live without me, I was the best thing to happen to him, that he was going to drive 100 mph in to oncoming traffic and kill himself…. and fuck me for being a slut and a whore who doesn’t deserve love from anyone.

Over the years, I have been catcalled in every situation possible. I have addressed those who have caused trauma to my life and none of them saw their fault or apologized. These experiences have caused me difficulty in relationships, in friendships, eating, health, seizures, eczema, and more.

I now have a daughter of my own. I have a daughter who currently cannot speak for herself. She’s feisty, but she can’t tell me if anyone has ever touched her. She can’t tell me if someone has said something to her that hurts. I worry about her every. single. day. I am dependent on others speaking for her… and most people are afraid to speak for themselves.

You have a voice. Use it. There is power in your words. There is power in your experience. There is power in saying, “Fuck you, you hurt me and I am not afraid to let people know about it.”

Keep conversations going. Let people know they hurt you – in whatever fashion. In most cases, people don’t know what they don’t know… Sometimes they will never allow themselves to know, but that’s not up to you. Stand up for yourself. Stand up when you see someone else being hurt or wronged. You don’t just have to “sit and take it.” There is no need for shame or guilt. We are out here to love and support you. I believe you. I will support you. I will help you however I can.

Thank you for stopping by.

I am incredibly glad you exist.