Day 124: freedom is dope

While there is a whole bunch of shenanigans and malarkey occurring in our country today, one of the beautiful things remains: I can say whatever I’d like to about the craphole state of things. Thank you, first amendment.

I am grateful that I have the freedom, the RIGHT, to say what I think, say how I feel, love who I want to, vote for who I want to, own property, get divorced, have a job – these are beautiful things. I think they’re mostly taken for granted.

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately. Just thinking about the future and getting myself all worked up in to a tizzy.

I’m still recovering from whatever cold-flu hybrid monstrosity that plagued my body last week. I just haven’t felt like eating. When I do eat, it doesn’t taste good or I take a few bites and I’m just kind of done. I mean, I had a full meal yesterday at lunch, but my stomach hurt so bad afterwards. I had breakfast this morning. Nothing major – toast, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich…. I ate the whole thing and haven’t felt well since.

I woke up the past two mornings and just felt like crying.

I don’t know. I don’t get periods any more. I had a surgery so that I stopped having a period, but I still get everything else involved with a period – cramps, emotions, etc. It’s all to a lesser level than before, but it still happens and it’s frustrating.

I peopled yesterday. Like… hardcore peopled. For the first time in….. a very long time. I used to be super social. I would go out all the time, talk to people all the time, be out and about doing things…. then I got in to a not so great relationship that was on and off for like two years… and then I was basically a hermit for two years after that. The first year was simply because I couldn’t go anywhere because he would be there. He would find out where I was or where my friends were and show up there. If someone was parked at my house, he would text “who’s there? What are you doing?” Call me a whore or a slut and some other colorful choice words…. He always carried at least four knives on him and he bought a gun.

I worried about people when they came over, so I would have them park on the side of the house for a while and then just stopped having people come over. I tried to find new places to hang out, but he would find them so I stopped going out…. so I stopped having a lot of friends.

I have a very social, caring and supportive husband. He tries to get me to go out, people, have fun, but for whatever reason I can’t let myself go like I used to. I mean, I was never like a “partier”. I would be at the parties but I had kids at home who needed me so I was responsible.

Peopling yesterday was difficult. Maybe it didn’t seem like it, but it was. It took a LOT out of me. I’m not used to it. And everyone is in such different places in their lives and there’s so much history with each person…. Not bad history, necessarily, just history. Everyone is moving on and forward with their lives and I feel like, finally, with Kevin, I’m able to do that in a positive way.

I’m doing things I never thought I’d be doing, but in a good way. He makes me happy and laugh and even when I’m frustrated or upset with him, I still have so much love for him and he turns me to goo.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to let go and just be. Just exist.

I’m trying to give myself a break. Stop being so hard on myself. Stop placing so many demands and I think I am doing ok. But just OK. I can’t even give myself a break on giving myself a break.

Anyway.

It was nice to people yesterday, but I was definitely worn out by nightfall. I’m really glad I’m not the person I used to be. Sure, I had fun for the most part, but there were definitely things that I maybe should have chosen differently. You learn. I guess that’s the important part – learning from your choices and experiences as to not replicate them.

Welp. The kids should be coming home in a little bit from their Dad’s. Kevin should be returning from his quest to find food. My Mom is watching the Music Man as per tradition. I finished up my part of the ABA study guide and got this nonsense out of my head.

I hope everyone has a safe and fun Fourth celebration.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.