Day 119: if you dream it…

My wonderful, adoring, handsome husband woke me up this morning. I was in a deep sleep and dreaming.

I dreamt we were at some fancy party at a really nice apartment in LA. Pretty much everything was white. There was a bunch of people I didn’t know, but they were (in my dream) acquaintances of my hubs. It was a food/edible party. Ham was involved. Anyway. I was sitting on the couch with a group of people who were talking. I asked if it was okay that I was sitting there or if I was intruding on their group. One guy said, “No! We love you! Of course you can sit with us!” The guy sitting next to me, didn’t look too hot, and slumped over like in my lap. I looked across the room at Kevin and a few others saw, got wide eyed and started to make their way over to me… but not quick enough – the guy puked in my lap. Then lifted his head as if to throw up on me, but I moved so his head went over my shoulder and covered his mouth so it wouldn’t go on the food.

Of course, I sleepily recounted this to Kevin and he just laughed the whole time. About an hour later, I threw up. Subconscious messaging? Probably. I’ve been sick for the past few days. Hopefully this nonsense passes soon. I *hate* being sick. Especially flu sick. It’s the worst.

I watched the Little People Big World birthing special today. I love babies. I loved working with babies. It’s so great to see the progress and development. Truth be told, I had a difficult time enjoying my kids as babies. Most because I wasn’t emotionally/mentally ready to be a parent at that time. I had a different plan for myself at that time.

But, here we are 11 years later, with two kids that are doin’ pretty all right. Boy child ran downstairs and insisted on giving me a hug before he left this morning. The other day he said, “Mommy, you’re not feeling good? I can make you a sandwich if you’re not feeling good.” Not quite sure how those are connected, but I appreciated his empathy. He’s such a funny kid. At times where I don’t feel like I’m doing enough or haven’t done enough, there’s moments like that which really show – I had to have done some things right. He’s a good kid. Obnoxious, but good.

Kaylee is improving, too. I’m super grateful for the amazing caregiver we have this summer. It’s the TA she has had for the past two years. She is AWESOME. She runs programs, takes data – how is this real life? We have been so blessed this year, honestly. Boy Child had his first friend birthday party, he got straight A’s, Doods is talking more, we have a great summer care provider, Kevin and I got married, I have a great job and about to start doing ABA part time…. While there was the rough patch a few months ago, I couldn’t be happier with the turn of events.

I’m so glad I had my meltdown. Truly. I don’t know many people who would say that. But, anyway. I am. Without the meltdown 119 days ago, I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in today. What’s the saying? Sometimes you have to crawl through a river of shit to come out clean on the other side. True story.

Anyway, I’m going to try and focus my mind on something so I don’t think about how sour my stomach is or the pressure in my face… or how much I want to pass out.

I have this thing, a paranoia, I suppose… In regards to napping. I’m afraid I’m going to miss Girl Child’s bus or not sleep later on that night. So I stay awake, almost painfully awake, because of it. Then at some point, I eventually pass out from exhaustion. I’m probably not the only person who can’t nap, but sometimes I feel like it’s a fault… Maybe it’s because I married the Super Sleeper – the man who can fall asleep in the blink of an eye. It’s a skill, really. I don’t know how he does it, but it’s impressive nonetheless.

Anywho, I think that’s about all I have for now. I’m gonna try and fill my brain with ABA terms until Doods gets picked up by her Dad and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll allow myself to nap…. Maybe.

I hope you all are doing well and evading the summer plague.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.


2 thoughts on “Day 119: if you dream it…

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