Day 95: patience and understanding

Are both my virtues and weaknesses. I have a TREMENDOUS amount of patience. I exhibit it at work, with my kids and with others out in the community. My downfall is, for whatever reason, I don’t have much leftover for my super loving and patient hubs.

So he’s been working this new job, right? And he’s happy, which is great. Being happy at work can make a HUGE difference in your overall mental health. I’m happy for him in that way…. But he makes less and has been taking every single opportunity for overtime. So while the overtime helps to compensate for the pay aspect…. he’s gone like twelve hours a day. I’ll only get to see him for like… an hour or so a day.

I already don’t see my kids, I don’t want to not see my spouse.

Would it be different if he was gone that much and making more? I don’t know. Maybe. Probably. At least there’s more benefit coming from the time away, you know? Like, I know my dad was gone all the time, but it enabled us to go on vacations. This barely enables us to get a house.

It’s tough. I want him to be happy. I do. Like with the kids, it’s me being selfish. Being selfish of their time. Being selfish for my goals… which involves and revolves around them. A catch-22, I suppose. I don’t know.

I’ve been slowly coming to terms that I’m not going to have my family together any time soon. It’s just not helpful to both of them to have them in the same district. I’ll be talking with the director of special services in boy child’s district for Doods next week. I just don’t think she is ready yet. Maybe in another couple of years.

Do you even understand how awful this feels? Making the right decisions, the decisions that are best for someone else, but negatively effect you – is so tough, guys. It’s selfless. I guess that’s why I feel the way I do about everything else. Like, I have to make these sacrifices of not being with my kids and now I don’t really see my significant other.

I may seem like a horribly selfish person sometimes, I guess. I don’t think I’m asking for much though. Just to be around the people I love, care about and are for.

Sometimes, I feel like that is a monumental and even impossible request.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.


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