Day 88: brain purge

Okay. I have not done a great job of blogging over the past week and I can tell things are starting to get to me. Maybe it’s that I haven’t blogged or it may be that my husband has been gone since Thursday morning so I don’t have the person to purge to… or at least receive comfort and love from.

Work has been going well overall. Just, for whatever reason, the end of this week has been filled with some doozies… and not even spaced out doozies, either. Rather, it’s been concurrent, endless doozies. Even my boss said of one: that was painful to watch.

Don’t get me wrong: I absolutely love what I do and the mental drain I have come across this week is not even remotely close to the same spectrum as my previous positions. I am beyond grateful for that. At the end of the day, though, it’s still draining. It was nice to come out of certain situations to have positive support from my co-workers: you got this! We’re almost to the end of the day! You’re just too sweet to deal with some of these people.

I am not going to lie: it feels SO FUCKING GOOD to hear others genuinely thinking well of me. After being in places where I was thought of so…. terribly, it is amazing. I can just be my self. I can be positive and uplifting and everyone’s cheerleader. It feels so good, right, and natural. It was so difficult to work in a place where people thought so negatively of me.

People really thought I was awful. People were skeptical and negative. No matter what I did, it was always seen negatively and/or not good enough. I would bring my staff donuts every now and again, I would make and bring in lunch for them at least once a month, I would make fun little pick me up things, I would listen to them as they would confide in me about their lives but… somehow, I was still the enemy.

I don’t think it wasn’t until the very end that reality sunk in.

Oh well, too late now. I still wish them well. I’m just no the kind of person to NOT wish people well…

I mean, like, oh hey you sexually abused me? I hope things are going well.

Oh, hey, you threatened to commit suicide because we broke up and I walked in on you with a gun in your hand? I hope things are going well.

Oh, hey, you called me a fucking whore, then beautiful, then told me you couldn’t live without me, and then broke up with me, drove past my house every day texting “who’s car is in the driveway? I just bought a gun”? I hope things are going well.

Oh, hey, you tried to get me fired by sending my pole dance videos to my then boss? I hope you’re doing well.

Oh, hey, you say you care about what’s happening in my life then proceed to talk about yourself for 95% of every conversation we have? I hope you’re doing well.

I could go on and on and on, but I won’t. I genuinely do wish people well. Whatever someone has done to me – whatever it may have been – I hope they are well. Of course I hope they get things figured out so they can  move forward in a positive direction so they don’t hurt any one else, that’s what’s important. I can’t wish ill on anyone. Well. Maybe one. Nah, even then – it’s just not in my heart to carry around hate.

Anyway.

I was really concerned about not being on meds. As it turns out, things are going fine. Working a job that you love which brings happiness makes a HUGE difference in your mental status and stress level. Plus, having an amazing spouse helps out too.

I had a really lovely conversation with someone last night. A few conversations, actually. I felt, for the first time in a LONG time, that I was in a good, valid place to provide insight and guidance to others. I felt like I have grown so much as a person over the past few years.

I used to think, “I’m an independent woman – I don’t need to rely on any one. I got this. I can handle my shit on my own.” I believed that. And I was. Maybe I HAD to in order to survive day to day. I didn’t think I needed or wanted anyone to lean/depend on…. Now that I do and he’s been gone for four days, I feel like I’m missing my glue. In a good/okay way.

I’ve grown to a point where I can be vulnerable with another person; where I can depend and rely on another person; where I know I’m supported by another person who understands me and is able to guide me through my tough times. When he’s not around, for days, with all kinds of doozies to deal with, it’s really gone to show how strong and meaningful our relationship is….. and how, really, there is no other person I would rather spend my life with.

I haven’t missed someone so much in….. years.

It’s felt really awesome to say “my husband.” It’s flowed so easily, naturally, and readily in conversation…. like it’s been that way forever. With my first marriage, I didn’t have that. I didn’t feel that way… buuuuutttt that’s a can full of worms that is entitled to it’s own series of blog posts lol maybe someday.

Swinging back around, I’m glad I’m off meds though. The only thing is I’ve gone back to is having some trouble sleeping. We give Doods Melatonin gummies to assist her with sleeping at night. It’s made a HUGE difference and I highly recommend it for any one who as a child that doesn’t believe in sleep. Seeing what it does for her, I’m really tempted to try that myself. It’s supplying what my body is naturally deprived of, what can it hurt, you know?

I haven’t been sketching in my sketch book lately. In a way that’s okay because I get to draw almost all day at work which is super dope. Designing cakes is pretty great, guys. Seriously. So good. Then seeing the sketch brought to life by the decorators is DOUBLE dope. Then seeing the looks on people’s faces when they see their unique, personal creation is TRIPLE dope. Relaying that joy back to the decorators is (wait for it) QUADRUPLE dope. It’s a giant circle of dope joy up in that biz. ; ) I like it.

All right, I think I’ve written enough for today. Time to veg out with some bad tv and pass out (I hope).

I hope you’re all doing well and taking positive steps in your lives, whatever they may be. Even if that’s choosing to NOT do something – that’s still a positive.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am most certainly glad that YOU exist, mystery friend.

 

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