Day 80: guilt & moving forward

Yesterday morning, I had my 30 day review. It was the most productive review I have ever had in my working career. We went over strengths, weaknesses, and set five legitimate goals for the next 60 days. I walked away feeling really great about my place, my job and my future. I can see a legitimate, positive pathway in my career and it’s so comforting. There’s no guesswork, ifs, maybes, hypotheticals – none of the fog, all of the road.

This morning we had a quarterly company huddle to go over progress, goals, and updates. On my drive in, I started to think of my old job. A curtain of guilt came over me. I miss some of my previous co-workers and adults and I don’t feel guilty about leaving them… I felt guilty because I really like my job.

I was really good at my old job. Nay, I was fucking great at my last job. I need to stop selling myself short. I had the knowledge, skills, and abilities. I improved the program and made a whole hell of a lot of positive changes in not a lot of time with not a lot of support. I put my whole heart in to that program and did some great things. But I couldn’t stay there. Leaving was the best thing I could have done at the time.

Well, clearly it was one of the best things I could have done because it is was led me to my current job.

I wake up excited. I wake up ready. I can’t wait to see what creations come out of the kitchen, take pictures and share the amazing things we do. I enjoy who I work with – they’re all wonderful people. Genuinely. It’s still unbelievable that I get PAID to do what I do every day. It’s astounding.

Today as I was taking pictures of cakes, there was a family eating lunch. I walked out with the next model for their photo opp and the gentleman says, “Looks like you’ve got a pretty great job!” I said, “I do! I have the BEST job!” And I mean it.

I’ve always thought that work should be hard. You should do what you’re good at. But you know, there’s no reason that you can’t genuinely enjoy what you do. Waking up happy and excited for the day is a real thing, guys. I didn’t really think that was a real thing. You know the whole: enjoy what you do you do and you won’t work a day in your life, thing? True story.

I *thought* that’s what I was doing before but, boy howdy, was I wrong. I freaking love my work. It’s so fun. There is not an icicles’ chance in hell that I would go back to what I was doing. I can see myself doing part time BCBA work alongside this, but not full time like I was doing. No thanks. That ship sailed after my first few days on the new job. I couldn’t be happier about it.

I’m selling my stage pole tomorrow and using the money to replace the broken elliptical we tossed last year. I’m going to take down my pole, too. That ship has also sailed. I feel pretty okay about it. Pole was such a huge part of my life for so many years. I learned and accomplished a great many things during that time. However, like with other things, it’s time to move forward. And that’s not a bad thing. Just like with the work situation: moving on is TOTALLY okay.

I will always be a part of the pole/aerial community in some fashion. I have gained so many wonderful friendships through that community and experience that I could never fully leave. My time with pole has come to a close for now. Maybe I’ll get back in to it in the future but, right now? Right now I am basically starting over with my physical health and I need to go about it the right way. I know I’ll have everyone’s support and that is much more important than continuing to force performances.

I feel good about the positive steps I have been taking in my life. I love my job. I am getting a new elliptical. I’ll be getting married to my best friend and biggest supporter soon. I withdrew from consideration of the doctoral program. I am focusing on bettering my self and my family.

That’s pretty fucking great, man. I feel so good writing all of that. That’s some grade A, number 1, awesome shit right there.

I hope everything is going well for you guys. I really do.

You know, someone noticed my l;fe tattoo on my arm today. She said, “I really like that tattoo on your arm. Is it for something in particular?” I had said well it’s for the semi colon project, have you heard of it? She said, nodding, “Yeah, I do.” I said, oh awesome! Well it’s for me and those who suffer like me – to know you’re not alone. She nodded and said, “Yeah, I understand. My sister.” I looked at her knowingly and said, “I understand, you’re not alone.” She genuinely smiled and said thanks.

I love the lives I come in contact with at the bakery. People from all kinds of situations. You truly never know the impact you may have on someone just with treating them kindly. I try to make sure everyone has a positive experience when I work with them. I like to believe I succeed 99% of the time.

Anyway, I’ll have to catch you guys up on my orange week experience tomorrow! It went really well ; )

Thanks for stopping by!

I am glad YOU exist.



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