Day 73: last night I cried

And by cried, I mean: the moment my head hit the pillow I bawled. I bawled until I couldn’t breathe. I let out tears of sadness, frustration and anxiety.

I woke up yesterday with a pounding headache. The kind I used to wake up with every. single. day. The kind that makes your thinking foggy and emotions difficult. Yesterday was a struggle. A struggle like I haven’t felt in about 71 days.

One of my meds ran out and I’m starting to feel the effects of being unbalanced.

Last night I cried because I was scared. I knew I was going to have to deal with this again until I can get insurance through Kevin’s new job. I take three meds. One of them cost $50 to refill, another $200 to refill, the other $300 to refill. The middle one has run out and I’m slowly approaching an empty bottle for the last one.

It’s scary – going backwards. I cried because I didn’t know how I lived that way for so long. It had been one day and I was in shambles. I woke up with another headache today, wore my glasses and no make up. It’s like my drive and ambition got sucked away over the course of 24 hours because my brain has to work so fucking hard to regulate.

It’s painful.

I cried because I’m frustrated about my weight and my body. Nothing fits. I keep gaining weight BECAUSE of my meds but I can barely survive WITHOUT my meds. I can’t see the doctor because it costs too much to go see her without insurance. Kevin is about to take a job that pays significantly less but has insurance. I worry about being able to make it. About being able to reach our goal of getting a new house with even more of a financial strain.

I cried because I hurt. Every where. In every way.

I wanted to crawl in to bed as soon as I got home. I wanted to forget about everything and all the hurt.

I didn’t. I made myself get the mail (my Mother’s Day present came) and go get Kevin’s wedding band.

I still want to go to sleep.

Last night as I cried, Kevin comforted me. He said we will find a way to pay for your meds… but I know we can’t. He’ll be making less and it’s just not possible. I talk about getting a second job and he doesn’t. It’s frustrating. I’ve voiced my concerns and they’re legitimate. I just really hope this works out the way we need it to.

We need to get out of the basement. I need sunshine through windows and a backyard to sit in. I’ll settle for a balcony off an apartment.

It’s been two days and I am a mess.

Tomorrow is mother’s day and my kids will be with their Dad. It’s ok. I’ll be at work and we’re doing a double celebration on Monday for boy child’s birthday and Mother’s day.

I want the hurt to go away again. I really hope things work out. I don’t think I’ll handle it well if it doesn’t.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

Additional Content: As soon as I posted this, I found a small ant crawling on my finger and freaked out. Another thing that’s been happening since my meds ran out are really fucked up dreams. I dreamt that something laid eggs in my ears, nose and throat. They were large eggs, you could see the pupae (larvae?) inside the eggs as they would fall out of my ears as I tilted my head. I freaked out because I didn’t know what laid eggs inside of me. Kevin suggested taking me to Urgent Care and I said I don’t want to go I don’t have insurance, then more eggs came out and, hysterically crying, I agreed to go. Then the dream switched to something else which lead back to the eggs. In my dream, whatever was living in the wood floor of my work (which has a tile floor and is immaculately clean btw) laid eggs inside my head and they turned out to be Pokémon. I relaxed a little bit then woke up with a pounding headache. The dreams can go away. The fears can go away. The pain can go away. I want to not live in a basement with bugs and mold any more. I don’t know how much more I can handle, friends.

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