Day 72: adulting

Yesterday I had my interview for a doctoral program.

They had asked if I could come in early and I, of course, said sure! No problem! I ended up sitting there for an hour.

I sat in a small conference room with large windows. I sat and reviewed my ABA terms, then sat and looked out the window. The colors were so vibrant. The grass was full and green, the sky was blue without any clouds to block the warm sun coming through the glass. I sat and looked out the window and thought, “I don’t think I want to do this.”

Outside looked so welcoming and free. I have just gotten my life balanced with work and home. I’m making steps to better my own health. Accepting a spot in this program would mean I’m tethered to a computer for another four years. It would mean putting a house and our dreams on hold….

I have about eight years left of guaranteed Boy Child in the home time. Then he graduates high school. If I spend the next four years of that time, that’s half of that time, tethered to a computer, by the time I’m done he will be in high school and who knows if he will actually WANT me around at that point. I wouldn’t blame him for the resentment.

I looked out the window and thought, “My son is more important. I want the new house and business with my almost husband. I want my family back together. I don’t need or want this.” I was literally about to stand up and walk out when they called my name. They were ready for me now.

At the behest of my wonderful almost husband, I went forward with the interview.

I had the answers for everything. Very honestly, very plainly. I felt empty. I could see the excitement on the committee’s faces while I spoke, but I felt empty. I wanted to be home, working on my business plan. At the end of the interview, one of the committee members stated, “Well, we really hope to see you here in the Fall!” I thanked them and went on my way.

I almost started to cry on my way home. Getting a doctorate is something I have wanted for so long. It’s been a driving force since I was 8 years old. Here is my chance, a real chance to get that and I don’t want it. I felt…. relieved. I felt proud. My family, my health are more important than those few more letters by my name. I want a home, I want my own room for the first time in over a decade, I want to not breath moldy, stale air, I want my family unit back together, I want to get my body back in shape, I want to focus on the business Kevin and I want to build together – I want that.

I can still research on my own. I can still write on my own. I can still develop programming and curriculum on my own. I don’t need a doctoral degree to do those things. I can still speak, present, and teach. In fact, I’ll be speaking at a class in July. I can still be a knowledgeable resource WITHOUT those few letters by name. I already have some anyway.

I feel good about this decision. I’m excited about what the future is going to bring. It’s going to be a LOT of work to get in to a house, but we are determined. I know I’m fully supported in my decision, so that helps a tremendous deal.

I officially withdrew this morning. I feel good. It truly is enough to know: I would have been accepted. I am good enough.

That’s a concept I’m working on: I am good enough. Everything is a process. Baby steps.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

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