Day 71: catching up

Okay, it’s been a few days. I’ve been a bad blogger. I guess, in a way – that’s  okay. I have been out living my life and being… off line. That’s not a bad thing.

However, my therapist wants me to start documenting how I’m feeling every day via blog… so not posting every day can be a hindrance on my therapeutic process. My goal is to post every day – even if it’s just to say: Today I feel [blank].

Today I feel…. anxious and determined.

I’ve hit some road blocks in trying to workout and get back on the healthy track. Every time I start to exercise, something hurts really badly. And not that “oh you’re just getting back in to exercising” type pain, but movement ceasing, down on the ground, crying type of pain. It’s a slap in the face. It’s a blatant, “Hey asshole, you’re not in your 20s any more, you gotta go about this shit differently if you wanna be successful.” So that’s what I’m doing. Since my body throws up some blocks, I’m ducking and weaving. I’ll get in my jabs.

My physical/exercise goal is to do yoga and/or pilates every night. I am going to keep up with my color weeks for eating. So far I’ve got three days in for exercising. While that’s just beginning, I will go from three days to three weeks to three months etc, etc, etc. It’s like in every aspect of my life: I’m taking baby steps to recovery.

I’m not going to lie: It’s so fucking frustrating.

I have all this drive like “yeah! I got this! I’m gonna do the damned thing! Let’s go! woo!” And here’s always something that pops up and goes, “fuck you! NOPE!” Ugh. That’s okay though. Like I said: duck and weave, get jabs in where you can.

Determination.

Now, anxiety: I have my interview for the doctoral program today.

I’ve mentioned in previous entries that I’m on the fence about this whole thing. I have the interview today and I have my 30 day work review next week. I know my thoughts and I’ll keep you posted on those developments.

Speaking of work, I absolutely love my job. It continues to blow my mind that I get PAID to price edible art all day. It’s astounding. I have a hard time calling the decorators “decorators”, I often refer to them as designers or artists because, really, that’s what they are. The talent in the back is absolutely amazing. I’m in love with what I do and I’m so glad I get to do it.

The other amazing thing is I can be…. me. I can be positive, silly, encouraging. I feel accepted and appreciated. I don’t worry about what they think of me. I don’t have to worry about being set up for failure. I don’t have to worry about any negative perceptions, confidentiality, discipline, people going through my belongings, tables getting flipped, punches thrown, or calling any ambulances. I’m not going to lie: I think I’m slightly traumatized by my previous work experience.

Which reminds me: I have more therapy homework to do. I don’t want to do it. I have to write an impact statement about my previous sexual traumas. I really don’t want to relive all that. I know it’s necessary but I don’t want to. I have just gotten to a point where I am ready to live in the present and get out of the past and here’s that road block “NOPE”.  Duck and weave. Everything is connected.

I also have to write positive affirmations regarding my relationship with Kevin… because of things triggered by the past. UGH. IT DOESN’T END, GUYS. That’s okay though. I’m like the Million Dollar Woman. When this is all said and done? I’ll be better and stronger. That’s the goal, right? Right.

Well that sure was a whole lot of updating. More to come as the days progress. I hope you all are doing well and taking advantage of what life is presenting.

Thanks for stopping by.

I am glad you exist ❤

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