Day 54 continued

My head is an absolute disaster zone today. There are far too many ups and downs in a short amount of time and I’m having a difficult time with it.

I had a really off day at work last week, followed by a really great day.

Yesterday was a super great day. I had a really awesome day at work. I worked side by side with my boss (who’s a super cool lady). I told her about my dreams and aspirations of owning my own bakery one day as well as doing more non-profit work and how I want to create a safe place for my kids to grow up in, live, and work. I told her I want to learn any and everything; I am ready. She said she would gladly take me there. I am really super stoked about having this opportunity right now. I feel like my life paths are finally merging in to one road.

She also asked me about my wedding yesterday. I started talking all about it and our cake and everything. She asked about our dessert situation. I said I planned on getting it from us but just haven’t done it yet. She looked at me and said, “well, you know, we buy our employees’ wedding cakes here.” I cried tears of joy. I couldn’t believe it. So many excited, grateful and humble thank you’s were said and hugs were given.

I am excited about the future.

Conversely, this morning, I made the decision and announcements regarding the benefit. It was such a hard decision to make, but I needed to do the right thing. It’s hard for others to understand, but I have to look at the big picture and not get caught in the details or the emotions wrapped up in it. A success is a success, a failure is an opportunity to learn and grow. I have learned a LOT of lessons from hosting the benefit and I am forever grateful for the experience and relationships which have come from it.

I have to write a paper today. But with all the emotions, I’m having such a hard time focusing. I have already done my emotional eating and don’t feel any better because of it. I am going to be spending time with one of my previous consumers in a little while and I need to get my head together. Spending time with her will be a really nice distraction.

I hope.

Another thing I decided to just heap on to the crap sandwich that is today is paying off the credit card that my ex husband has been “paying off” for about… oh, seven years now. The balance hasn’t dipped in any fashion and I’m really tired of it messing with my credit score. So, now, it’s taken care of. He has to pay me instead of the credit card company and I probably won’t see any of that money…. It’s not like I have a wedding coming up, kids to take care of or bills to pay or anything. It’d be nice to catch a break sometime.

I’ve had scrubs on in the background today. It tends to be my go-to comfort show.

It’s not helping today for whatever reason.

Oh, another layer on the sandwich for today is trying to sign up for healthcare… which is WAY more complicated than it needs to be. With my inability to focus today, it didn’t go well. I haven’t been keeping up with my therapy homework either.

I feel like I’m unraveling.

I appreciate all my friends coming forward with options for this weekend to help me from falling in to the pit of depression from cancelling the benefit. I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

Not having health insurance kind of freaks me out, especially since I just got fairly level. I need some help. And good vibes.

And a nap.

Thanks again for stopping by.

I’m glad you exist.

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