Day 34: saying goodbye

I don’t know where to begin.

I guess morning is as good a place as any.

Today was the day I said good bye.

On my way to the building, I decided to stop and grab donuts for the staff (which is something I used to do often). I grabbed a lovely selection of extra fresh donuts, got to the counter, reached for my wallet and…. my wallet was at home. Good. Good start for the day. I called my mom and thankfully she was able to bring it to me (for the cost of a donut, of course). I thanked her for going out of her way with Boy Child, then we parted ways.

I walked in to the building.

I don’t know where to go from there. I helped with van duty. I got to see everyone as they came off the vans. Sometimes it’s good to have knowledge that others don’t… In this case, knowing this was going to be one of the last interactions I was going to have with every single one of them made the experience….heart-heavy.

Once everyone was in, I headed to the workshop floor to have a meeting with them. I had been rehearsing what I was going to say all night. Here’s what I said, from what I can recall:

Good morning everyone! It’s so good to see you today. I’ve been gone for a very long time, a little over a month. I’m sure you all have questions and I will answer them all. I’m going to talk a little bit, then answer your questions. Does that sound fair? Ok. You know how I always tell you that I want you to be happy, healthy, and the best you can be? Well, I too need to be happy, healthy, and the best I can be. That is what I have been doing over the past month. I have been doing what I need to do to be happy and healthy. Sometimes in order to be happy, healthy and the best we can be we need to make tough decisions – like going to a different workshop or moving houses. Even though those decisions are tough, they are for the better bigger picture. In order for me to keep being happy, healthy and the best I can be for me and my family, I have had to make some tough decisions… which is why after today, I will no longer be with the organization. It’s not anyone’s fault. I appreciate every single one of you. I have learned so much from you all and while I won’t be here every day, I still plan on being a part of the organization in whatever way I can. Thank you for all that you have shared with me. I’m going to miss you all very much.

Surprisingly, there weren’t many questions and there weren’t any outbursts. The consumers whom I expected to lash out actually said things like Congratulations, I’m proud of you, I’m happy for you, your family needs you, and so on. I am so incredibly proud of them. I can’t fully explain it… When I came, there were so many blow ups and escalations between consumers. A situation like this would have caused a huge disturbance in the day… Today really showed how much these individuals have grown and I am so grateful to have been a part of that.

I am also very grateful and fortunate to have had the opportunity to say goodbye and bring closure. While it was tremendously difficult to do on my end, I would not be doing my due diligence for all of them… All of those lives I have worked tirelessly to grow and protect. There are a few I want to keep tabs on and help advocate for as time goes on.

I’m going to miss my staff. I’m fairly certain the feeling is mutual. They said they miss laughing at work every day and that I brought a lot of creativity to the building. People thanked me for supporting them on a personal level. It was hard not to cry. I really do hope they keep in touch. You become a family after awhile. It may be a dysfunctional family but, hey, at least it’s got character. ; )

An emotional morning. I feel a little drained. I haven’t cried yet.

See, I’m ridiculous and here is one of the reasons why: if I wear make up, I am less likely to cry. Thank you, operant conditioning. I’ve trained myself not to cry when I’m wearing make up. However, I wore waterproof mascara in case I epically failed at not crying.

So what’s going to happen is, I’m going to repress all of my emotions for the remainder of the day and ugly cry after I take my make up off tonight. I’m going to occupy my mind with watching Orange is the New Black for the rest of the afternoon, take my handsome fiancé to dinner, go shopping for Easter things after that, come home to take care of Girl Child, remove my make up, cry, and play Lego Star Wars The Force Awakens (I’m so close to 100%!) until my meds kick in. It’s a pretty solid plan.

Very quickly in other news regarding Girl Child. There’s nothing like a child with Autism watching videos of a child with Autism.

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Ugh. True story. Love her bunches though.

Thanks for stopping by, friend.

I am glad you exist.

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2 thoughts on “Day 34: saying goodbye

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