Day 30: what’s on your mind?

Here we are 30 days, a multitude of doctor’s visits and a cocktail of 3 medications after The Meltdown… how are things?

Overall: better, with room for improvement.

Today, I went and dropped off an insurance premium payment. While I was in the building, I ran in to one of the consumers. He said, “Hey, I hope everything is all right. I heard you took a leave of absence and I hope that whatever it is that is going on, I hope you get better and it goes away. I miss making fun of you. But for real, I hope everything gets better.” I thanked him and told him I really appreciate that, very much. He turned and walked away, I dropped off my envelope and left the building.

I sat in my car and my eyes started to fill with tears. I love the individuals in the building. They have become like family. I care so much about their welfare and happiness but I care to the point where it was negatively affecting my life.

No matter what I do moving forward, I need to make the choices that are best for me, my well being, and my happiness. If I am not okay, I can’t help others be okay.

Last week, I went to a silks class with one of my best friends. On the way there, I was telling a funny story and in the middle of it she interrupted me and said, “I’m sorry, I have to interrupt, it’s so good to hear you happy again.” It caught me off guard, but it made me feel good. It was a sign of positive progress.

Last night after my practicum class, I spoke with a few of my classmates. Every week at the end of class we take a vocab quiz. You can tell who knows the vocab and who’s struggling. I know what that struggle and frustration feels like; you feel hurt and stupid (even though you’re really not). So I went and talked with them, heard their frustrations, and offered to help study for the exam in August. It felt good to be able to help others. To finally be back in a position in life where I can start looking outward as opposed to inward.

I have been so focused on my self the past month. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been absolutely necessary, but I feel more comfortable in a position of servanthood. Helping others gives me life and satisfaction. It’s nice to feel more like my self and doing things I enjoy again. It’s pretty neat.

Thank you for stopping by.

I am glad you exist.

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