Day 28: riding the waves

For whatever reason, I am working through a bout of anxiety right now. I can feel it in my body… when you can feel every single nerve in your body, the blood pumping in your veins, nausea starts to stir up, and thoughts come flooding in… I’m trying to pin what it is that has got my body in a tizzy this morning.

Ticket sales went live for Speak to Me: A Pole Benefit for Autism this morning. That could easily be one of the reasons. This year will be my last year hosting the event. It’s been quite an experience over the past three years. I’m beyond glad that I started the event back in 2014… it just became too much. Next year, STM moves to Madison, Wisconsin and in to the hands of a lovely Aspie who I know will do the event justice. It’s going to be hard to say good bye.

My cat isn’t doing so well, either. Berlioz is 17 years old. He’s an old, old man. My Dad actually got me Berlioz after my parents got divorced. See, my Dad is allergic to pretty much everything. When we were younger, he would always say, “Well, if I’m ever not around, then you can get a pet.” When my parents split back in ’97, he made good on that – he got me a cat. A little, bitty black cat who liked to zoom up and down the shelter. He named him Turbo, which my Mom promptly changed to Berlioz.

Berlioz has been around through two kids, another cat (Tabby, who joined us after my Grandma had passed), a puppy, a slew of sordid relationships, and my own personal ups and downs. Even though he’s kind of an asshole, he’s a good cat. Whenever his time comes, we will miss him dearly.

I have one month of school left. Almost to the day. I have been working towards become a board certified behavior analyst (BCBA) over the past two years. Once the coursework and practicum is complete, then I can sit for the exam in May. The pass rate for the BCBA exam? The pass rate has increased to 66% for first time candidates… I’m not a fan of those odds though. Basically, 2/3 of all first time candidates pass. I guess it’s better than a 50/50 shot, right? I’d like to do some consulting part-time and get my supervisor certification so I can help others get their certification as well.

I’m still waiting to see if I got in to the doctoral program I applied to… because I’m a glutton for punishment. Hopefully I’ll find that out soon, too. It would get me one step closer to my overall big dream in life. Maybe I’ll divulge on that another time.

The wedding is 212 days away (a little less than 7 months). We have a lot of things figured out, but there is always something to do – invitations, cake, outfits, writing the ceremony and vows, working on our dance, etc, etc etc…. The wedding day will be here before we know it! I am beyond ready to be his Mrs.

Overall, I just want things to go well. I want to go to work and be happy. I want to come home and be happy. I want to be an active participant in life and be happy. I think I’m getting there – making the decisions and taking the steps necessary to get there. One foot in front of the other. Baby steps.

Thank you for stopping by today and reading about my anxiety. I hope you have a good day today.

I am glad you exist.


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