And in the beginning, there was darkness

March 1st 2017.

This morning I woke up and thought, “I need help.”

Stress is real. Mental illness is real. Struggle is real. None of it is shameful or weak or meant to be kept quiet. It’s not a snazzy meme. It’s not a neat buzzfeed video. It’s the people you know and see around you every single day.

Help is real. It’s there. This morning, I took myself to get help.

I’m glad the clinic I go to has urgent care, family practice, psych and behavior health all in one building. I don’t quite think I would have gone to an appointment in a different building, even if it was later today. I went to urgent care and they immediately put me in to see the doctor across the hall. Who of course was double booked.

But I went.

Getting help can be frightening and full of anxiety in and of itself. The surmounting feeling of fight or flight while sitting in the doctor’s office is real. Having to stay internally strong and fight is real.

I value my happiness and my life more than leaving. I value my kids happiness and my relationships more than leaving. I value what makes life worth living more than leaving. I had to keep reminding myself of that this morning while I sat and waited. And waited. And waited.

When the doctor asked, “What do you want from treatment?” All I could muster was, “I want to be ok.” She said, “I believe that because you want to, you will.”
As I walked out of the office, the song “You’re going to be ok” from the My Musical episode of Scrubs went through my head. Especially when they say, “Everything will be ok, that’s what’s going to happen… Plan for tomorrow because we promise you, you’re going to be okay.”
It’s a long road and a long process that comes with it’s own built-in anxieties, but do what scares you and you’ll come out stronger on the other side, right? It’s always okay to ask for help to get there.

 

Day 1 after the meltdown: life goes on.
One of the good things from this experience is I was able to go to Cayden’s IEP meeting today. Needless to say, boy child is doing absolutely fantastically. I am so proud of him and the progress he has made – not just over the past year, but over the past 8. He really is a great kid.

I had to go to work to turn my phone in while i am out doing recovery. The anxiety before walking in to the building was a little intense and I almost puked when I got out of my car but I did it and survived. It’s amazing how intensely our bodies physically react to, seemingly, the simplest of things.

 

I went to the post office, too. I will go to class tonight. Tomorrow I will go to the grocery store.
Everywhere I went today, I felt like… Everyone knows. Everyone knows I lost it. Everyone knows i can’t handle life right now. Everyone knows I’m on meds. Everyone is watching what I am doing and knows. I need to get over that and soon. It doesn’t feel very good. I’m thinking that’s in my head because it’s new to me and since I am overly aware of it, I feel everyone else is.
The meds are doing something… Maybe so was getting a solid night’s sleep. I feel like I have slowed down a little and processing everything that just happened. One step at a time.

 

Day 2: catching up on some zzz’s
What a difference sleeping through the night makes. For two nights in a row!

 

I have never really been pro sleeping pills. I always just figured when your body is exhausted enough, you would rest. That’s clearly not the case. You can be exhausted and stressed and still not sleep.
You lay there and you replay the day in your head. What happened, decisions you made, things you could’ve or should’ve done differently, what you didn’t get done, what needs to get done and the snowball effect it has on your self esteem and confidence. And before you know it, the alarm is going off, your head is pounding and you have to get up and do it all again.
Even without work to think about, there is still a long ass list of stuff to get done – home work, house work, self work, etc. Thankfully my family is great and have been taking care of my usual morning duties – getting Doods ready and on the bus, taking Cayden to school, etc. – so that I can catch up on my sleep.
Today I will go to the grocery store so I can make Kevin’s birthday party pot luck dessert and go to said pot luck dinner. I will make my list of school to-dos so I know what I need to focus on there. I will save my home to dos for another day. I want to set the small goal for myself of getting out of the house once a day, either to run an errand, go for a drive, take pepper on a walk or something else. I dont want to get too comfy staying in the house.

 

Day 3: putting others before yourself, in a healthy way

 

No matter how I’m feeling and no matter how much I want to be a hermit, there are other people who i love, care about, and need or want me present in their lives. This is OK. We all have a right to be selfish – both of our own and other people’s time and attention. It’s finding the balance that’s the tricky part.

 

This morning, Kaylee needed my time and attention (whether she actually wanted it, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know). I got up, drove, sat in high anxiety while we watched Kaylee swim her race and take first place. I am so incredibly proud of her, especially after her first met that ended in disqualification. Her coach didn’t think she would do it, BUT, like her Mama – she is out to prove people wrong and beat the odds. She is truly an amazing little girl.
Tonight is Kevin’s birthday party, which means extended intense peopling. Although i may not exactly be ready for that and it’ll be a challenge, that’s OK. It’s about Kevin tonight. And he has been tremendously supportive, patient and understanding regarding this whole situation and process. I couldn’t have asked for more than a person who, at their own party, says to another person, “isn’t she just the most wonderful? She’s just wonderful.” He’s the greatest.
Finding the balance one step at a time.

 

Day 4: an unexpected visitor
You know, i don’t much believe in coincidence but rather in fate. Things happen for a reason when they are supposed to happen.
Today i had an unexpected visitor show up at the door. A wonderful, friendly, familiar face. One that reminded me of fun and freedom. One that reminded me of dancing carelessly in the park and daring to make the decisions that meant a better, healthier me. One that reminded me of who I am, was, and need to get back to being – confident, secure, fun and free.
One that reminded me I love to dance and move and that freedom comes from movement wherever you are… And that I really do have people that care about me from far away, even when they have no idea what has been going on. And that I have dreams and goals still bigger than myself and that, hopefully, someday will come to fruition. And that I am so grateful for the people I have in my life who support and love me, like my mom and Kevin. Really, I am. It’s hard to get through this life without support.
I appreciate everyone who has been reaching out to me during this time and have been following the Chronicles of Nina. I hope you all know how much it means to me and to know that I am there for you too (even though I’m a little broken right now). Thank you.

 

Day 5: best laid plans

If you haven’t noticed, I am a little Type A. I operate in a color-coded world with checklists for everything. I can go about things without a plan, but I definitely prefer and do better with one.

 

Sometimes having days off gives me anxiety solely because: there is not a plan.
Knowing that I was not going to work today, I sat last night and made myself a to do list. Basic things, really, but I need to keep myself focused and on track. Household chores have fallen to the wayside because of all the stress and so has schoolwork. Also knowing that I will not be onsite throws a wrench in the works of accumulating hours for my practicum. However, my supervisor and I have developed a solid plan so I don’t fall behind. It just means I have to keep myself on task.
So I created my nice to do list that blocked out time for various tasks, Kevin made sure I woke up with the kids this morning, and then I remembered: Kaylee doesn’t have school today (whoops! good thing I’m not working, right?). Thankfully, Kaylee is pretty great. She helped me with dishes, tried to do some yoga with me (which was pretty funny), and has been calmly playing while I did schoolwork for the past few hours.
Being able to focus shows in my module scores. I was getting 50s and 60s, now I’m getting 90s and 100s straight out of the gate. What a difference it makes – rest, focus, less pressure… all the things, really.
Soon I’ll make lunch for the Doods and myself, do some more studying, fold some laundry, and wait for the boys to come home.

 

And, seriously, I cannot thank you all enough for the love and support. It has made this transition more normalized? More ok? Acceptable? I’m not quite sure of the word, but I don’t feel like an outcast or misunderstood in any way. I feel very loved and supported during this transitional time. It’s going to be a long road and this is only the beginning. I know it will get better from here. I’m just grateful that it was my choice.

 

Day 6: It’s the little things

Today my to do list consisted of lots of little things – laundry, dishes, bathing the pup dawg, etc. One of my to do list items was to book hotel rooms – one for Dood’s first state competition and one for the wedding. What got me SOOPER excited was: they booked the hotel room under Melinda Miller. I almost died. Melinda Miller! I am going to be Melinda Miller in less than 8 months. Oh. Your. Gods. Just seeing Melinda Miller pop up in the email made me so freaking excited! Melinda Miller, it’s got a nice ring to it – don’t ya think?

 

Other little things: getting a lot of my list accomplished (which included some dancing), coming up with a pretty nice future plan with my almost husband and the kids are with their dad, which means I get some solid QT with Mr. Mustache tonight.
I go back to the doctor tomorrow. We will see how that goes. I feel a lot of ways about a lot of things. This whole week has been a series of ups and downs. I’ll be cruising along just fine then WHAM I’m either up or down, a flood of thoughts regarding one thing or another just come whooshing in and it takes a little while to get back to neutral. I’ve been trying to figure out how I got to this place and, while that’s important, I need to figure out how to get out of it.
One step at a time. Baby steps. Glad I avoided death therapy.

 

Day 7: One week down, a bajillion more to go
Today was one week from my meltdown. One week ago, I was on the brink of existence. I’m so very glad that I had the presence of mind to go get help. Real help. Legitimate help.
I have gone to doctors before. Lots of doctors, in fact, for a variety of reasons – some of them pertaining to how I am feeling mentally/emotionally. I was tossed on some random anti-depressant or mood stabilizer and called it a day. Except, clearly, that never worked.
Seeing an actual psychiatrist with an in depth working knowledge of what is happening with me makes a world of difference. The dosage of meds is going up plus another one…. and you know, I’m okay with that. I feel like she is present with me and working WITH me.
She said I am doing a great job and that what I have been doing over this past week is great and to keep doing exactly that. “So, Melinda, what have you been doing?” Most of it I’ve been fairly transparent about: making these posts, making to do lists, and trying to get out of the house once a day. I have been keeping my days semi-structured to ensure I stay on track with my schoolwork and have been trying to do some form of exercise every day. I want/need to develop habits over these next few weeks that I can continue to implement when I get the OK to go back to work.

 

I have been fairly introspective during this time as well, mostly wrestling with the questions: How did I get to this place, how do I get out, and where do I go from there? I think I have an idea. A pretty good one, really. We will see how it plays out.
I continue to appreciate everyone’s love and support during this time. It’s really difficult to get yourself the help you really need/deserve. It’s difficult to accept that help and stay the course while you adjust to a new normal. It’s good and weird and all a process. Thanks again, everyone, for hanging with me during these times, reading these posts, and being supportive. I don’t think I can say that enough.

 

Day 8: staying motivated
I am hitting a wall today. HARD. Getting up this morning was difficult. Getting motivated to start the items on my to do list is difficult. Not falling back asleep is difficult. I’m not riding the struggle bus today, I’m driving it.

 

I have to get things done today. I have to go get my new med. I have to make calls regarding Kaylee’s device. I have to get my schoolwork done. I have to do a variety of other things.
Ugh. That is my sentiment for today. Struggling. Trying to ward off the ups and downs and just get through the day…. and it’s only 830. Oh boy, today is going to be a long one.
I haven’t solidified the routine enough to just cruise on auto pilot. It’s still in the development phase where I really need to make sure I push myself to do it. These are the days that really count. Searching for motivation to overcome the struggle.
Asking for positivity and encouragement today.

 

Day 9: gettin’ shit done
Okay so yesterday was REALLY difficult to get through. I was dragging ass on the struggle bus all day. However, Kevin was really helpful in game planning the day and working with me to make sure I did things, like getting out of the house. Yesterday was the first day that I didn’t get everything on my to do list completed and that’s ok. I moved them over to today and have completed most of it.

 

I got a late start to the day because I slept but clearly my body needed it, otherwise I wouldn’t have. Getting the right amount of sleep makes a big difference in your productivity level. Today I have had more energy and motivation to get shit done.
One exciting development is in regards to Kaylee’s device. We started this whole process back in… freaking June? July? of last year. She trialed the device in October and was super successful. Since then, we have been waiting and waiting and waiting…. and waiting……. aannnnddd waiting for a word on the reimbursement from insurance. I called the insurance company today and she literally had just gotten off the phone with the device company. Things are getting closer and closer to her actually having a device. Keep everything crossed that she will get it soon!

 

I appreciate everyone’s support to get through yesterday. I also really appreciate everyone who has been messaging and sharing their stories and struggles with me. Although you are not sharing those stories and struggles publicly, I understand how difficult it can be to simply share your life with another person. There is always that fear of rejection and judgement that comes with allowing yourself to be vulnerable. So, truly, I appreciate all of you, your support, and your life experience.

I am glad you exist. ❤

 

Days 10, 11, 12: Christ almighty.

 

Where to begin? I have literally been sitting here for ten minutes trying to figure out what to say. On Friday, we went to Target and I didn’t give the cashier the right amount of money. That really bothered me. I counted and could have sworn I counted correctly but I gave too much. We went to the grocery store on Saturday and I had some difficulty holding thoughts of what else we needed.
My mom and I took the kids to the mall on Sunday. We went to the Lego store. I love Legos. I really do. Putting them together is a lot of fun. There is something about building, creating, and seeing something come to fruition right before your eyes that has a magical quality to it… Especially when you can say, “Hey, *I* did that.” Kaylee, of course, was overstimulated as soon as we walked in the door, but I got to her calm down a wee bit so we could make a selection.
I had difficulty falling asleep last night. Handing over STM is one of the toughest decisions I have had to make, but that is part of progress and life in general. Similarly to Legos, it has been awesome to build, create, and see the event come to fruition. The time has come for me to take a step back in order to allow it to grow and for me to remain sane. God help me when it comes time for the kids to move on in their lives. I’ll probably have a heart attack.

 

I have started to feel like a burden. I’m wondering if it’s the med change.

 

Time to get started on today. Better late than never.

 

Day 13: To infinity and beyond
So there is this guy. This big, doofy, teddy bear of a guy. Everybody loves this guy. I wanted to see what his deal was, so I asked him to be my friend a handful of years ago. We hung out at the same parties, knew the same people, nothing major… but I still wanted to see what his deal was so I started chatting with him.
And then kept chatting with him… every day… Almost all day. Then we started to spend time together – playing old people card games, drinking tasty beverages, watching terrible movies, eating yummy things, nothing major… but I still wanted to spend more time with him.
So I did. We spent more and more time together until, at some point, we became a unit. Now, we go pretty much everywhere together, do just about everything together, and spend pretty much all of our time together. And I’m still not sick of him.
When we starting dating, I was broken. I’m not in much better condition now and he has loved me through all of it. He has been nothing but supportive, caring, and loving over the past two years and I don’t think that will change. I am very fortunate to have you in my life, Kevin. I am grateful to have you as my PIC for life. I can’t wait to be your Mrs. Happy anniversary ❤

 

Day 14: two weeks down, a lifetime to go
Last night was full of dreams… and not necessarily great ones. I woke up with a start and my hand was numb. I have an overall feeling of anxiety today that I’m having a hard time shaking.

 

Now that the initial meltdown stress has subsided, I’ve been thinking about the wedding, summer care for the kids, finishing up my BCBA hours and coursework, if I get accepted to the doctoral program, the benefit, paying for everything, daily chores around the house, going back to work… it’s all starting to creep back up and it feels almost unsurmountable. I feel my heart beating in my chest and the anxiety running through to my fingertips.

 

I can’t get going today. I can’t seem to get myself started. It’s taken me 45 minutes just to type this post. I keep zoning out. Somehow I need to get through schoolwork, laundry, and exercise. I woke up late so it started the day late and it’s been an hour before even starting.
The struggle is real.

 

Day 15: the sound of silence
I have noticed a lot more silence since I had the meltdown. I have had less to talk about, less to contribute to conversation, just less to say in general. It has really pronounced how consumed I was by work. I didn’t do anything but work… well, and school. Even still, that doesn’t leave much for me to talk about and share.

 

Last night I had dreams that included some of the consumers from work. This morning my brain started to think about work and the anxiety started to come in. Being in the business of people is a very stressful and tough one, especially when you care and want to make positive change with very little support behind you.
My brain and body were hindered by the amount and energy necessary to successfully perform that position. That’s not really a way to live. I need to get back to being me. Being fun, friendly, creative, energetic, knowledgeable….me, you know? It’ll take time.
Kevin got me some really great anniversary presents: intelligentsia coffee and a new knife. I used the knife for the first time yesterday and promptly sliced a chunk out of my thumb. Good to know that knife doesn’t fuck around. It did help me make some tasty chicken tacos though. And I made a pineapple crisp that turned out pretty tasty too.

 

on to the day.

 

Day 16: binging
Guilty pleasure TV shows that I’ve gotten to watch since I have been home: Cheaters, Judge Mathis, Dog the Bounty Hunter and Snapped. Say what you want, there is something about these shows that is appealing me. I guess I love watching other people’s drama since I try like the dickens (and successfully do) to avoid it in my own life.
I have been doing a lot of studying today and feeling pretty good about it. Last night I told one of my classmates about my meltdown and his response was, “Good for you.” Not in a sarcastic way or anything. I have kept my class fairly informed as to the crazy shenanigans of my work. They know and understand the amount of stress I have been going through for months on end. It felt… kind of relieving to tell someone what happened. Freeing, almost.
It’s different to verbally tell someone what you are going through versus typing. I mean, I told my doctor, I told my mom and Kevin, I told my supervisor… but they are people that have been fairly intimate with the whole situation as it progressed to its current state. it was nice to break that ice live and in-person.

 

Typing these posts every day has had their own therapeutic consequences. It’s really nice to share my thoughts and feelings very candidly. I am not hiding. This is just me and what I’m going through. It’s also been really nice to have everyone’s support, feedback, and input. It’s been so great to be reminded: I am not alone. YOU are not alone. We are all in this mess together and we weren’t created to be alone. We can’t do this without each other.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it a million times: I am glad you exist. I am grateful for all of you, no matter how much or how little we interact. We are meant to be here and I’m so glad you are. Thank you for being a part of my journey.

 

Days 17, 18, & 19: all you need is love
Saturday, my mom and I went shopping and ran errands. I finally bought clothes that fit and spoiled the puppy with much needed new toys. We had jerk pork tacos and caribbean rice for dinner. Then Kevin and I played games till we passed out. All in all, a really nice Saturday. Oh! AND! I folded laundry.
Now, if you know me, I absolutely HATE folding laundry. It is my least favorite household chore. So I was pretty proud of myself that I folded four baskets of laundry. Go me!
Sunday, we got up, played some games, then Kevin and I went and got tattoos by the lovely Rebecca Huston! I am absolutely in love with both of them! I can’t wait to take healed pictures and post them. ; 3 I couldn’t be happier. Getting tattoos always gets the juices flowing for the next one. So. freaking. addictive.

 

Tomorrow, I am asking for some positive vibes. I am not going to disclose any details, but I could really use the positive vibes and thoughts of a solid outcome.

 

I go back to the doctor Wednesday. I’m curious to see what happens at that point. We shall see.
I hope everyone has a happy Monday!

 

Day 20: choices, everybody’s got ’em

 

I can’t find any more freaking mechanical pencils in my whole freaking house, so drawing is put on hold till I can get some more…. So, tomorrow. ; ) I tried drawing with a regular pencil, but it’s definitely not even close to the same for me. Which STINKS because I have all these ideas swirling around and I want to put it on paper. Grr. Soon enough.

 

It has been nice to look and feel like a human being lately. That may sound odd, but when you get so overwhelmed, it’s so easy to lose sight of who and what you are… For months, it’s been wake up, get through the day, try to sleep, rinse and repeat. I didn’t care what I looked like or what I wore, I was just trying to survive.

 

My skin took a huge hit from stress. I began developing dry patches of skin all over my body. I had a dry patch on my eye lid that was dark red and itchy. I had huge patches of severe dryness all over my scalp… It’s embarrassing to admit that I had scabs on my scalp. I had to wear a hat almost all the time to cover them. When I told my supervisor about them, she didn’t seem to care.
I can’t work in that kind of stressful environment. I’ll find something else. Hopefully soon.

 

Day 21: baby steps
I went back to the doctor today. She recommended therapy as the next step and presented the option of intensive outpatient or individual therapy. I kind of freaked out at the idea of doing IOP, not that it’s a bad thing – I don’t want to give that impression. IOP is super helpful and I’ve seen how much it has helped some of the people I know. I chose individual therapy. She kind of made an unspoken deal with me: I start this new med and see her again in two weeks. My first therapy will be in two weeks, right before I see her. If the combination of meds and therapy isn’t producing the results she would like to see, then IOP it is for me.

 

In other news, Kaylee has finally caught the 100 day forever cold that Cayden has been plagued with. I picked her up and the poor thing looks like death. I brought up the comfy, cozy, sick comforter and got her set up in the “sick spot”. She is happily cocooned with Monster watching VeggieTales, intermittently spewing massive amounts of snot all over her face as a sick child does.

I have to try and get some research done before boy child comes home. Not sure if I’ll get to draw today. In other, other news, I have been reading Ready Player One. It’s really good! It’s like… next level nerddom from me, but I know enough to follow it effectively. A good chunk of you would really enjoy it. I’m about 1/3 of the way through it, so I’ll let you know the overall review when I’m done.

 

Off and away to the rest of Wednesday.

I went to the post office, too. I will go to class tonight. Tomorrow I will go to the grocery store.

Everywhere I went today, I felt like… Everyone knows. Everyone knows I lost it. Everyone knows i can’t handle life right now. Everyone knows I’m on meds. Everyone is watching what I am doing and knows. I need to get over that and soon. It doesn’t feel very good. I’m thinking that’s in my head because it’s new to me and since I am overly aware of it, I feel everyone else is.

The meds are doing something… Maybe so was getting a solid night’s sleep. I feel like I have slowed down a little and processing everything that just happened. One step at a time.

I’m glad the clinic I go to has urgent care, family practice, psych and behavior health all in one building. I don’t quite think I would have gone to an appointment in a different building, even if it was later today. I went to urgent care and they immediately put me in to see the doctor across the hall. Who of course was double booked.

But I went.

Getting help can be frightening and full of anxiety in and of itself. The surmounting feeling of fight or flight while sitting in the doctor’s office is real. Having to stay internally strong and fight is real.

I value my happiness and my life more than leaving. I value my kids happiness and my relationships more than leaving. I value what makes life worth living more than leaving. I had to keep reminding myself of that this morning while I sat and waited. And waited. And waited.

When the doctor asked, “What do you want from treatment?” All I could muster was, “I want to be ok.” She said, “I believe that because you want to, you will.”

As I walked out of the office, the song “You’re going to be ok” from the My Musical episode of Scrubs went through my head. Especially when they say, “Everything will be ok, that’s what’s going to happen… Plan for tomorrow because we promise you, you’re going to be okay.”

It’s a long road and a long process that comes with it’s own built-in anxieties, but do what scares you and you’ll come out stronger on the other side, right? It’s always okay to ask for help to get there.

I’m glad the clinic I go to has urgent care, family practice, psych and behavior health all in one building. I don’t quite think I would have gone to an appointment in a different building, even if it was later today. I went to urgent care and they immediately put me in to see the doctor across the hall. Who of course was double booked.

But I went.

Getting help can be frightening and full of anxiety in and of itself. The surmounting feeling of fight or flight while sitting in the doctor’s office is real. Having to stay internally strong and fight is real.

I value my happiness and my life more than leaving. I value my kids happiness and my relationships more than leaving. I value what makes life worth living more than leaving. I had to keep reminding myself of that this morning while I sat and waited. And waited. And waited.

When the doctor asked, “What do you want from treatment?” All I could muster was, “I want to be ok.” She said, “I believe that because you want to, you will.”

As I walked out of the office, the song “You’re going to be ok” from the My Musical episode of Scrubs went through my head. Especially when they say, “Everything will be ok, that’s what’s going to happen… Plan for tomorrow because we promise you, you’re going to be okay.”

It’s a long road and a long process that comes with it’s own built-in anxieties, but do what scares you and you’ll come out stronger on the other side, right? It’s always okay to ask for help to get there.

I’m glad the clinic I go to has urgent care, family practice, psych and behavior health all in one building. I don’t quite think I would have gone to an appointment in a different building, even if it was later today. I went to urgent care and they immediately put me in to see the doctor across the hall. Who of course was double booked.

But I went.

Getting help can be frightening and full of anxiety in and of itself. The surmounting feeling of fight or flight while sitting in the doctor’s office is real. Having to stay internally strong and fight is real.

I value my happiness and my life more than leaving. I value my kids happiness and my relationships more than leaving. I value what makes life worth living more than leaving. I had to keep reminding myself of that this morning while I sat and waited. And waited. And waited.

When the doctor asked, “What do you want from treatment?” All I could muster was, “I want to be ok.” She said, “I believe that because you want to, you will.”

As I walked out of the office, the song “You’re going to be ok” from the My Musical episode of Scrubs went through my head. Especially when they say, “Everything will be ok, that’s what’s going to happen… Plan for tomorrow because we promise you, you’re going to be okay.”

It’s a long road and a long process that comes with it’s own built-in anxieties, but do what scares you and you’ll come out stronger on the other side, right? It’s always okay to ask for help to get there.

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